Does this make sense?
Irena is in a paragraph where she realizes her attitude is making the other Guardians nervous, and she’s describing their reactions. Drifter’s is:
Drifter had aimed for casual by hooking his thumbs into his suspenders, but he wouldn’t have aimed for anything if he didn’t think he might have to fire.
Is it clear that she’s saying he wouldn’t need to pretend to act all casual if the situation wasn’t tense? I’m trying to use language that reinforces his personality and isn’t boring … but I’m also trying to be less confusing.
Is a description like this confusing and/or does it call too much attention to its construction? If you encountered it in a paragraph of descriptions where it’s clear that people are uneasy, do you think you’d have to re-read it to make sure of the meaning?
It made perfect sense to me. I don’t think I’d have to re-read it, and whether or not it would call attention to itself would depend a lot on the text around it. Standing alone, there’s a kind of dry humor to it that would have to be consistent with the rest of Irena’s take on the world not to be sore-thumbish. (If that makes any sense.) (I also have to say that the description coming from Irena kind of surprises me, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing: it potentially means she’s not exactly who I expect, which is a good thing.)
I’m with Katy. The line definitely implied that his actions, meant to appear casual, are anything but.
Katy — interesting point about it coming from Irena, because it does need tweaking to be in her “voice” … which for me, is that she’s pulling in the language of guns (because of Drifter and to give a better sense of Drifter) — but “guns” aren’t really a language she uses to describe anything. Blades and metal, yes.
And she does have a sense of humor about some things; her fellow Guardians (with the exception of a few) are definitely included in those ‘things’.
Karin — ah, good. Because I know I can be a confusing writer, but I’m not always sure exactly what is confusing, lol. But as I was writing that line, I thought: is this one of them?
I liked this passage, and I wouldn’t find it confusing in the context you describe. As for aim, I took it as Irena sort of adopting a Drifter word, because “I aim to do this or that” feels like a Cowboy sort of way to say “I intend to do something” rather than the language of guns. So it worked for me in that way. It’s actually sort of clever in the double meaning it makes with the second aim. Did you not intend that? Do I just need to eat something?
Might I also say, so happy to see Irena as upcoming heroine!
You used the word “aim” as a play on words like he is aiming to look relaxed, but if he had to, he would aim and shoot?
That is a total Drifter move.
Do I make sense?
Hey, Carolyn! That double meaning was intended, and also what made me stop and ask … because if it was too big a shift in meaning, throwing you out of the story trying to figure it out, that’d suck.
kb — yep, yep … and I’m glad it sounds Drifter-ish, because it is supposed to reinforce our impression of him as a gun-toting cowboy type.
I’ll confess to having to read the second half of the sentence twice, but then I understood what it meant. I imagine, surrounded by the others in context, it wouldn’t have tripped me up at all.
And just because I can… :bmww:
I agree. It’ s not confusing. I understood the first time.
*raises hand*
I think I’d have to see the paragraph it’s in to get the full picture. BUT, from a first, honest impression–I find it a little confusing. This was a sentence I read, stopped, had to think about, and re-read before ‘getting it’. It is very clever, very in-tune with Drifter…but kind of confusing. At least for me. I think it’s because there’s so much implied action/understanding that is assumed everyone is on board with? I think my brain must work on a different wavelength, and I frequently get lost in this sort of passage. Instead of thinking, “Wow, this scene is intense and Irena is making a wry comment about how hard Drifter is trying to play it cool when he clearly isn’t,” I’m actually thinking “What is Drifter gonna shoot?”
If that makes any sense
Again, I think I’m in the minority though.
Shannon — thanks. Re-reading is what I’m worried about, so that tells me it needs more tweaking.
Jessica — oh, good — so maybe not a ton of tweaking
Thea — I think having the context of the rest of the paragraph probably would help, but I will work it more so that it doesn’t call up the “Drifter aims and shoots” visual quite as much.
Actually, the more I think about it, I can’t really use it anyway. The voice is bothering me, and I realized why: it’s not just that it’s gun language, it’s that Irena doesn’t use double meanings. She has a sense of humor, but not with language like that — puns and double meanings are how demons use the language, and she *hates* that.
So she wouldn’t play on the meaning, anyway.
*raises hand*
I vote confusing. I think I’m the only one, though. I think it’s the ‘if he didn’t think he’d have to fire’ part that is throwing me off. I had to read it a few times to grasp it.
But I’m a speed-reader/skimmer to the Nth, so if it doesn’t make immediate sense, I get wrecked right away. Beautiful language is usually lost on me.
The sentence itself made sense and it didn’t throw me off in the context of meaning – however, I agree it isn’t in Irena’s voice. She just wouldn’t think something like that. In that respect I would definitely be pulled out of the story and left scratching my head.
As an aside – I think it’s awfully mean of you to throw out these tidbits. Is this your way of torturing us??:roll:
If you need more opinions, I’m Spanish -so English is not my first language obviusly- and I’ve no problem with your writing. Nor in that sentence, nor in your books. In fact, i LOVE your style. Is soooo complex (in a positive way, i mean), sooo ADULT, so diferent from other author’s -i think some of them are teenagers or write for them!-. Don’t change it, please. You are one of my last hopes.
I hope my English isn’t “confusing”
Inara — thanks! of course, now I’m nervous because Alejandro is a native Spanish speaker. You can point out all of my errors with him, lol.
Holly — yes, yes. Exactly.
Jill — and I will be taking it out. And of course you know I’m going to make you read the early, icky version just for more of those “Mick, this makes no sense” reality checks.
<<<>>>
And this will make me one of the happiest girls in the world! Do eet do eet!
I’ll throw in my take on this because I am the MASTER of literary over-analysis. No one defeats me!
Watch in me action:
I feel the sentence is a bit confusing for this reason:
Drifter aimed for casual… is very specific. We know exactly what he’s doing here.
The second half of the sentence is not specific as the first one is:
He wouldn’t have aimed for anything…
And that’s where the ambiguity comes in. anything is generic whereas casual is not. It’s apples to oranges. With an exacerbating circumstance.
Anything could in this portion refer to physical aiming — and remember that your analogy is based on the act of aiming a weapon at something — or something metaphysical. But everyone will have in mind the weaponry part of the allusion you’re making.
Between these two halves of the comparison, you’ve put in an image (hooking fingers in suspenders) that inserts distance between the two things you’re comparing. That lessens the sharpness of the analogy because now the reader is holding 3 things in her head (aim for casual — thumbs in suspenders — aim for anything).
So, in my opinion, you sharpen this sentence by either shortening the distance the reader travels for the analogy (hopefully you get what I mean) or you increase the specificity of the 2nd half. Change anything to something more specific, such as, uh, relaxed. Then you get:
Now you have a new problem, which is the sentence is clunky. So something like this:
And even that’s not right. It’s still clunky and you lose the Drifter-esque quality of the whole sentence.
So it would be interesting to try the shorter distance fix.
Which I think works better.
IHMO, of course.
And let me just add that I could have gone into even MORE detail. You’re welcome in advance.
Seconding Carolyn’s approach.
I understood it fine, but after reading through, I see that it’s not going to work. It was a neat little piece of writing and I enjoyed watching Carolyn Jewel play with it. So just file this away and keep it in mind for later useage. Someday you might need it.