The real-life inspiration for every line of sexual-tension-laden dialogue I’ve ever written:
SETTING: Meljean’s kitchen, 10:25, about twenty minutes after she and her husband (who we will call Bobby) have returned home (and not having eaten yet.)
COMPLICATIONS: Meljean doesn’t want to cook anything substantial or time-consuming, so she pulls out the mac & cheese (generic brand, because she likes that better, and in dinosaur shapes, because she bought it for her daughter thinking her daughter would like that, but her daughter DID NOT LIKE IT AND WHERE WAS THE MACARONI? And so all of the regular macaroni mac & cheese was gone, leaving Meljean with Dino mac.)
ACTION: Meljean cooks Dino mac. Meljean stirs in cheese and realizes that it’s different than usual generic brand, and does not smell very good.
MELJEAN: (calls to husband, sitting in living room with computer on lap and tv to sports channel) Yo! The mac & cheese is going to be gross! It’s the bad version of mac & cheese!
BOBBY: That’s okay, I’ve gotten used to everything you make being the bad version of whatever it’s supposed to be.
MELJEAN: You can’t see it, but I’m flipping you off.*
BOBBY: You can’t see it, but I took my wiener out of my pants and put it in your ass.**
*Was really scooping the gross mac & cheese into a bowl…because Meljean is also used to eating the worst of whatever her food is supposed to be.
**Was really sitting on the sofa trying to look up Peyton Manning’s SNL commercial.
Which is, by the way, this:
*fanning self* Oh baby, what a super HAWT scene.
LOL…I think we must be living parallel lives. From the dinosaur-shaped generic crappy mac & cheese to the sweet nothings being yelled from room to room.
@JenB:
Thanks! It’s my first anal scene, so I wanted to make sure I got it right.
OMG. Someone please take me to the ER now. I just inhaled my drink.
I was gonna say “I didn’t know you had it in you”…but then I realized how that sounded. But I ended up saying it anyway, didn’t I? Hmm.
Oh, and if you add a slice of American cheese to your generic macaroni (stir it in with the butter and milk so it melts), it will taste more like the real thing. Shhhh…please don’t tell anyone else my Redneck Housewife trick.
It’s the real thing I can’t eat. I’m not sure why — but the taste of real macaroni and cheese makes my stomach curdle.
At least you don’t get offers of some Irish cream with your coffee. With a wink, you know, in case I miss the meaning.
I heart you,MJB.
Plus I like that Payton Manning a whole bunch.
Snort.
holy crap we’re married to the same man.
And I have a homemade Mac n cheese recipe that rocks if you want it. It uses Velveeta cheese so it’s not like it’s healthy or anything.
I just fell in love with Peyton Manning–how sad is that?
Plus, I feel sooooo much better about my cooking abilities (hey, I haven’t poisoned anyone yet**, I’ll have you know!)
(**Well, not by accident, at any rate)
*weeps with laughter*
This sounds like almost every conversation I have had with my husband. Ever.
Poor Meljean stuck with the nasty Mac & Cheese.
And Bobby’s weiner in her ass.
Umm, yes. Could someone please explain the fascination men seem to have with sticking their weiners in places where weiners don’t belong- apple pies, girl’s bums, vacuum cleaner hoses-seriously what’s up with that? ;- ) I wonder if Peyton Manning is like that,lol.
Yes, it’s possible we married the same man. Even the “with computer on lap and tv to sports channel” is dead on, except generally mine has some cop-type show on (COPS, THE FIRST 48, SPEEDERS, etc) and he almost always ends with, “I hate you.”
Watch my heart melt.
LOL, Meljean, you’re wicked funny. And your hubby is a keeper…
Funny!
I couldn’t stop laughing from the time I got to the end of your scene. Not only is your conversation with ‘Bobby’ hysterical, but so are the comments, and the commercial!
I can’t have conversations like that yet, but maybe someday. As for the mac & cheese, I love the box stuff, but I usually add cubes of colby as well. I like the extra cheesiness. Yum.
Wherein I discovered that a chai latte does not feel good through the nasal passages. LMAO.
I’m embarrassed to admit how long it took me to get that. *hangs head* I FAIL!
PS I hate box mac n cheese regardless of brand. I actually came from a home where it wasn’t fed to us and the only person who makes it right is my best friend. I like Velveeta Shells n Cheese–or homemade which is uber-fattening!