Dear Ms. Klausner
You wrote in your review (that will show up at every online bookstore):
To keep her safe from the demons who want her for some unsavory reason, Ethan thinks Charlie should become a vampire.
Thank you for the review, but I thought I should point out that this is — in every way — wrong.
Ethan NEVER suggests to Charlie that she should become a vampire. His entire purpose is to protect her from the vampires and to prevent them from transforming her.
*headdesk*
But, you know, thanks for reading it — and for the story idea. Next book, it’ll be:
HEROINE: Help! I’m being attacked by vampires!
GUARDIAN HERO: Just let them bite you.
HEROINE: Okay. Hey, cool — fangs!
GUARDIAN HERO: By George, your boobs are pretty.
HEROINE: w00t!
THE END.
Oh Meljean!! I’m sooo sorry! but LOL, it might work for your next book LOL
Hee. It is a little frustrating, but I think most readers are savvy to her reviews now, and how they often lack accuracy.
I guess the important thing is that she liked it :joker: I’m not sure exactly what book she read, but she liked it.
:hug:
You’re not alone. Perhaps this might help a bit:
Book Description
Mercenary Kate Daniels cleans up urban problems of a paranormal kind. But her latest prey, a pack of undead warriors, presents her greatest challenge.
What pack of undead warriors? Where? :brickwall:
ilona — oh noes! You were Klausnered, too!
Maybe she has a very active imagination. As she reads, she just makes up what she thinks should happen.
She’s like a fanfic writer, making up alternate realities.
Apologies to all fanfic writers. Even if we deliberately bastardize it, at least we know what’s canon.
meljean, too funny! i skip reading what she writes-saves me headaches from shaking my head in disbelief/dismay at times. am soooo looking forward to ethan and charlie ‘s story! happy new year and have a great week everyone.
Poor Poor Mejlean
Damn that Harriet K!! *shakes fist*
well there are better more acurate reviews floating around, me thinks….
Now if Ethan said, “Miz Charlie I lurve your boobs”, and smashes his face in her chest…..
Meljean – Anna Quindlan said it best:
“There’s a certain kind of conversation you have from time to time at parties in New York about a new book. The word “banal” sometimes rears its by-now banal head; you say “underedited,” I say “derivative.” The conversation goes around and around various literary criticisms, and by the time it moves on one thing is clear: No one read the book; we just read the reviews.”
::giggle::
Poor Mel. At least you got a good laugh out of it.
But fanfic writers at least let you know it’s AU. …Sometimes. But I digress.
Of course she’s confused. She reads 1,278 books every day. I dare you to do the same and keep all the details straight!
Nobody heeds Klausner. As soon as I see those strings of asterisks, I skip right to the next entry without even looking for her name. Forget about her lack of accuracy. Every book (and I mean EVERY book) warrants her highest rating. If that doesn’t make your Spidey senses writhe in suspicion, I have a fantastic investment opportunity in the Nigerian banking industry for you…
At least she doesn’t bring anybody’s rankings down, making her pointless rather than harmful.
And, uh… yeah, let them bite you. Nine out of ten vampires dole out better rewards than orange juice and stale cookies for your blood donation.
My bad? This made me laugh. Kudos to you for your sense of humor about the reviewer who need not be named. I agree with consensus…most readers don’t pay attention to her.
All wrongness aside, I have to admit my favorite part is “the demons who want her for some unsavory reason.”
Some unsavory reason???? LOLOLOL!
Also adding: this is why I love good review sites and reader blogs. It may just be that she was really, really, really confused by my book (I’ve heard that happens :ninja: ) At a reader blog/good review site, you KNOW if someone is confused; they’ll just say, “man, this shit was too confusing!”
Oh, thank God! I thought it was just me. She gave my second book a 4 star rating, yet said this:
‘These three entertaining ultra heated erotic romances focus on power relationships in which the females emotionally grow from doubters to believers while the males grow only in their lower head. Sub-genre fans will appreciate as much as the lead couples the DARKER SIDE OF PLEASURE.’
So-she hated all three of my heroes, apparently, but I still got 4 stars, so I suppose that’s something. And the guys DO have moments of lower head growth. I write erotica, after all. There is some swelling going on, and I make no excuses. But can someone tell me what that last sentence means?
Anyway-I know how you feel, if that’s any help, considering I’m a complete stranger. I should tell you I’ve stalked your blog a few times (I found you through a link on our agent’s site), but haven’t posted because you’re so damn funny and, let’s face it, I’m not. But I love to drop by and lurk. So thanks.
Hey, Eden! Hee, I’ve got you on my Google reader because I was stalking your Darker Side cover, and was recently panting over your Kama Sutra (Exotica?) one *g* So we’re mutual lurkers.
I can’t figure out her star ratings, either. For example — Demon Moon got five stars at barnesandnoble.com but only got four at Amazon.com (or maybe it was the other way around?)
So I wonder if the people who actually input the reviews just hit five all the time, but throw in a random four now and then so that it looks better? Dunno.
For those lurking:
Purty, purty.
head/desk. makes you crazy, doesn’t it?
Her review for the Exclusive anthology I was in from Berkley (along with Eden Bradley and Lisa Renee Jones):
These are three equatorial heated romances starring interesting protagonists in which one person in each of the three couple play the club scene while the other is a newcomer
Dude…that’s not a review…that’s a blurb. And yes, this one was a 4 also.
maybe the demons only wanted Charlie to serve them drinks? Not all demons are unsavory. Heh heh. I likes them unsavory.
What’s an equatorial heated romance?
I don’t remember that it was set at the equator … although that would explain the heat. *g*
lol, kate — it also cracks me up because it’s just such a weird throwaway. Like “some unsavory reason or another” … whuh? Was it unclear?
I will say, though — all of my demons are unsavory. Even if some of them are hot, they’re definitely of the “don’t lurve ‘em” variety.
Hahha! I never listen to that woman. :boggle:
Equatorial means “I didn’t read this book”
And muchas thank you’s for the ‘heat’ comment. *grin*
Those covers are seriously hot.
That’s what I said in my last review of one of your books. Or at least I thought it. LOL
I love reading HK’s reviews. There’s something so…I didn’t read the book about them that makes me smile.
HAHAHAHA – that’s just too funny
:lol:
Ohmigod, I can’t stand Klausner! Someone really needs to stop her. I don’t know how she can stand posting so many poorly written reviews. Doesn’t she have any pride? I’d feel so embarrassed to be her, and to be producing that kind of crap. Phew! Sorry, her reviews just really upset me.
I really think Harriet is an alien. I can read up to 25 books in one month if I put my heart into it, but she can read near 200. Me thinks Harriet is not just one woman… hmm….
Meljean, would it be too soon in our relationship to tell you I love you? *G*
Jaci-LOL @ ‘Equatorial means “I didn’t read this book” ‘
For a reviewer to repeatedly make significant errors regarding the basic premise or conflict in novels she/he reviews is just plain unacceptable. Whether it be due to the side effects of speed reading or just plain poor reading comprehension, the reviewer is sadly disrespecting authors and disgracing the art of book reviewing.
… and she spelled Brook incorrectly!!! I know you are very forgiving about that extra ‘s,’ Meljean, but there’s no excuse for a book reviewer to misspell the author’s name or book title. It makes me feel as if the reader wasn’t really paying much attention from the beginning.
LOL, Meljean, your dialogue afterwards was funny. “Cool…fangs (for your help)!” LOL.
Umm…no such thing as bad publicity?
Yeah. I got nuthin’.
Oh, this is so funny! And yes, I loved “for some unsavory reason” best of all. Demons are nothing if not unsavory, though perhaps they have decided against adding oregano and basil as they consume her willing flesh or what have you.
You shouldn’t worry too much, Meljean… cos unfortunately, Ms. Harriet Klausner has lot all credibility to readers…
I feel bad because I use to listen to her reviews until I researched her a little most of the time I found my self lost in her summary of a book I had just read wondering if it was the same or if I had fallen asleep and zombies came in switching books~ Then again it’s nice to know I’m not losing my mind!
Did I ever tell you the story how she gave me a most excellent review for VIVA LAS BAD BOYS for a novella that does not exist? Um, yeah. :boggle: At least she got the characters names right. That’s something.
Meljean, I say this with nothing but the most sincere adoration.
Sweetie…you’re messed up.:cool:
Uck, never read her reviews anymore. The only reason I even slow down is to make sure I check the “NO” box for the question “was this review helpful to you?”
MelJean yo CRACK me up!
I know what you mean though. Cant tell you how many books Ive read where the review has appearntly been about a different story than the one I read.
Doesn’t matter in your case. We will read anything you write anyway.
I DARE you to write that book, Meljean. I’ll even review it for you (accurately) at Front Street Reviews.
But you gotta include some of this comment trail. It’s precious!
(btw, am I the only person who thought equatorially meant Of or From the Equator?)
lol. I think readers know to take any review by her with a tablet of salt. Love the sample dialogue from your “next book”. lol
As the editor of a book review site I can not stay out of this discussion! If authors would stop using HK’s reviews as part of their jacket PR or stop reprinting them inside on their review pages she might get the hint. Or on their web sites and PR packages and, well, you get the point. But that is done often enough that it must encourage her to keep doing what she does.
First…
As someone who has tried and tried to rename Meljean, I have to say just because you add a ‘S’ to the end of Brook doesn’t mean you didn’t read the book. Even if you do it repeatedly…
::adds yet another thing to fix on the blog::
Second…
I think you have already used the line: By George, your boobs are pretty.
just saying
Ok my thoughts on books are great. Kind of I liked it category most of the time but I do get my book facts straight.:roll: She’s infamous in the online book community for this. Scary! :boggle:
I meant aren’t great. :brickwall:
There was this guy see.
He wasn’t very bright and he reached his adult life without ever having learned “the facts”.
Somehow, it gets to be his wedding day.
While he is walking down the isle, his father tugs his sleeve and says,
“Son, when you get to the hotel room…Call me”
Hours later he gets to the hotel room with his beautiful blushing bride and he calls his father,
“Dad, we are the hotel, what do I do?”
“O.K. Son, listen up, take off your clothes and get in the bed, then she should take off her clothes and get in the bed, if not help her. Then either way, ah, call me”
A few moments later…
“Dad we took off our clothes and we are in the bed, what do I do?”
O.K. Son, listen up. Move real close to her and she should move real close to you, and then… Ah, call me.”
A few moments later…
“DAD! WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES, GOT IN THE BED AND MOVED REAL CLOSE, WHAT DO I DO???”
“O.K. Son, Listen up, this is the most important part. Stick the long part of your body into the place where she goes to the bathroom.”
A few moments later…
“Dad, I’ve got my foot in the toilet, what do I do?”
Test message
Sorry me noob…