Diary of an Author, Day 1
Woke up. Googled self. Found a new positive review. Sent quote on to publicist.
Compiled all quotes ever received and sent to publicist. Just in case she lost the last quote. Cc’d to editor, and editor’s assistant. Bcc’d to self, in case they pretend they never received them later. I will know.
Put the best 25 quotes in my e-mail signature, and the signature for all of my Yahoo loops.
Opened Google reader. 1000+ review blogs to read. No mention of me or my work, except one who said “If you like M.B.’s work, you will like this new author’s work, too.” WTF? No one is like me. Made note of blog name. Would delete it from my feedreader but I need to know if she spreads more falsehoods and compares me to another hack.
Reminder to self: Create new e-mail address. Review hack’s book. Make it three stars, so that it’s not too obvious. Say, “I bought this because some reviewer said it was like MY FAVORITE AUTHOR’S books, but it was only okay. Nothing like the awesomeness of M.B.!” Buy the hack’s book later so no need to feel guilty (but not during the first week, when it might help her hit a list before I do.) I support my fellow authors!!!
Checked rankings on Amazon. Called my mother and cried. She said something about my aunt’s tumor getting worse. Thanks for caring about MY problems, MOTHER!
Note to self: Heartless mother in WIP? Art imitates life.
Googled self. New review! …. “uneven pacing” — What? She gave me an A-. MINUS!!! for “uneven pacing”??? She obviously doesn’t even know what pacing is! She probably never even WENT TO SCHOOL! Why can people who obviously grow up on pig farms can REVIEW BOOKS? God!
New e-mail address and new Amazon account. Composed reply to review: I don’t know why you thought the pacing was uneven. I thought it was perfect! Wasn’t happy, thought it was too obvious. Spent a few hours editing it to: I don’t know the author, I’ve only read her books. I wonder: Do you even know how to read? The pacing was perfect! M.B. rocks! Went to Starbucks and used their internet access to mask my IP. Drank tea to soothe my nerves. Posted reply to review, then posted a review for a table so that they don’t think I made my account just to post the reply. I gave the table two stars to show I’m not easily pleased, so M.B. must be REALLY great!
Refreshed review page, waiting for response from reviewer. Nothing. Do they have internet access on pig farms? Hahaha! Beginning to think the MINUS!!! is the work of another author trying to sabotage me. Made list of who the author might be. Saw on J.M.’s blog that she uses the phrase “uneven pacing.” Read all of her blog entries, ever. Found more similar evidence, phrases used in the MINUS!!! review: “likable characters” and “hot!” Created new e-mail address. E-mailed: “I know what you did.” Jealous cow.
Starbucks closed before I had time to write! Damn it. Will have to get the words in tomorrow.
Taking notes. Thanks for the author tips!
Author commented. Trying to steal my ideas. Reading all of her books, looking for other words she’s stolen from me.
Create new e-mail. Subtly suggest in a blog that I have never visited before that C.J. rips off all her ideas from M.B.
You know, I’m just a reader (:tampsdowndirtonalterego’sgrave:), but…
Hmmm, here on the pig farm I’m scratching my head trying to decide if a recent review I wrote has placed me in the hot seat.
Uh oh.
I just re-posted this on a FB page. I’m sure your keen Google-search eyes will spot.
I bow down to you as The Queen of Sarcasm. “I am not worthy, I am not worthy…” Ummm…just in case you weren’t being sarcastic: You are also The Queen of Pacing and Empress of the Universe. *snort*
@Brenda Hyde: Not so much sarcastic as just … incredibly appreciative of the absurd.
Thank God I’ve heard this afternoon of what happened between authors and reviewers cause I would have thought this could be true. LOL
Someone mentioned your blog on a FB book group. I have discovered a new author to me…..yea! Love your blog, you are hilarious. I checked out some of your books, you now have a new fan.
Okay, so I’m a little scared now. I only hope you’re never angry at me, and that if you are, you sign my books before you get to the point of reviewing tables on Amazon.
Bwahahaha! Love it!
Okay, that may be the funniest thing I have read in AGES!
Hahahahahaha! *Died Laughing*
Uhm.
You were joking, right?
Hee. I really loved this. Thank you!
When does day 2 get posted? Also? I think I know who JM is!
My nemesis is an evil genius. I’ll never be able to top this. I must now get my meager group of cronies to vote down every book she has. Repeatedly.
Who let the pig farmers on Amazon anyway? I suggest M.B. starts a petition banning pig farmers from all review sites. Really.
Heehee
I heart Meljean so freakin’ much!
Bahaha!
*giggles out of control*
And buuuu on pigfarming reviewers
~~ snort ~~ OK, so you RULZ the smart ass department!!
LOVE it!!
Ugh, so much like real life, isn’t it?
?.•*¨Elizabeth¨*•.?
Followed a link from someone who said they giggled all the way through… I giggled all the way through. You are wonderful! I’ll definitely be back for more.
Need to link with Meljean Brook for Google awesomeness tomorrow. Gennita Low and Meljean Brook Gennita Low Meljean Brook Gennita Low Meljean Brook Gennita Meljean….Can’t wait till I wake up tomorrow!
That was awesome. Thank you so much. After all the mess I’ve seen in the first two weeks of this year, I really needed this laugh.
You’re great. Keep up the good work.
Much needed amusement in a stressful week; many thanks!
LOL, I had to put my coffee down or I was going to end up spitting it all over the screen! Hilarious!!
Thanks! I was snorting with amusement!
Fabulous. You’ve got a new blog fan. Now I’m going to Google myself.
And this is why many of us drink.
followed a link from P.N. ELrod… and she likes ya.
I have to agree. You earned that diploma from the great University of the Sarcastic Mind and Acid TOngue. Magna cum laude. ~snortE10~
Love this!! Heh!! I can remember the first time I googled my name!! And then,…again,…and again…..and again……..!!!!
LOVE it! It’s all Googles’ FAULT!!!!! : )
LMAO. Reading this has been one of the highs of my day.
I found your blog thanks to Shiloh Walker on face book and I died laughing and I’m seriously hoping you do some of these things. I haven’t laughed so hard in a while and I’ve only read day one. Will def check out your books on amazon now that I know they are there lol.
This is great!
Loved this series of posts
I loved this- checked out your book premises because one of my favorite bloggers linked to this and I thought it was hilarious. I bought the first Iron Seas novel and am loving it so far. I’m so excited to find a new author I like!!