Diary of an Author, Day 5 – 365
Woke up. Googled self.
Oh
my
God!
Shocked. Who has the power to do this to me? Am suddenly terrified. Check romance sites.
Can’t believe it. Everyone has turned against me … but it’s not as if anyone outside Romancelandia really cares!
Am flabbergasted. The power of those 10 real readers is astonishing! They must have minions everywhere. Well, I won’t be cowed! I won’t!
Went to Starbucks to begin “Reclaim M.B.’s Google” campaign. Was immediately uneasy. Some guy reading a book glanced up at me as I walked in the door. He began reading again, but I could tell by his expression that he knew who I was…and he was watching me. Saw someone with an iPad – obviously one of DA_Jane’s minions.
These readers are everywhere — and they are all against me.
Ordered two coffees, extra hot. Threw them into ReaderGuy and iPadMinion’s faces and RAN! Got into car and sped for the state line. Didn’t even take time to return home to say goodbye to daughter and husband. I know the readers are watching my home and I won’t endanger my family!
Crossed through Oregon, Idaho, into Montana. Almost rented a hotel room but the girl at the desk had a book in her hand.
THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!
Day 6
Still on the lam. Trying to think of a place where there aren’t any readers. Decide to paint myself orange and drive to Snooki’s mansion. It’s the only place I’ll be safe — and everyone in the publishing world hates her almost as much as they hate me!
Day 9
Racing away from Snooki’s mansion. Discovered that not everyone hates her — the CEO loves her for making the publishing house lots of $$$$. I’m only midlist!!!
Woe is me! Where do I go? The desert is the only safe place now. In a cave.
Day 125
Emerged from cave long enough to send editor my completed manuscript. It’s astonishing how productive I am when I’m not online.
Day 300
Went through bout of Cormac McCarthy-like prose, but have since regained sanity. Members throb again. While sending out second manuscript to editor, stopped at grocery and picked up a book.
Read it.
It was the first book read since my first novella was published 7 years ago. Had been so busy checking stats and Googling self, I never had time to read.
I decided that it was “okay.” If I had been a reviewer, I might have given it three stars.
I have become them.
Day 321
Sometimes I think that Lord Cockmonster really is an asshole.
Day 364
Returned home. Husband expressed shock — he hadn’t even realized I’d been gone! He’d assumed I was in deadline hell or checking my Amazon rankings like usual.
No, I said.
He said, What are those spots all over your face?
Freckles, I said. I have been chasing lizards through the desert and eating them for dinner. This is what happens when I go out into the sun.
Jesus. I wish you’d told me that before I married you.
I’m sorry, I said. I’m sorry for a lot of things.
Well, as long as you’re happy, I guess it’s okay.
Had wild sex, because that is what romance authors do. Left him sleeping and set up my computer at my desk again. Went to a few romance blogs. Didn’t see anyone mention my name. Some other author had done something now. Reader-author relationships were still being discussed. Self-pubs still being discussed. Pretty much the same authors’ books being discussed. Ebook pricing still being discussed. Rape in romance still being discussed. Went to bed.
Day 365
Woke up. Thought about Googling self.
Wrote a damn book, instead.
THE END
Meljean’s note: Of course it has a happy ending! I’m a romance writer, for fuck’s sake.
Meljean’s note #2: Ah, I noticed that some newbies have dropped by. Hi! I’ve also noticed that some are saying, “I’m going to buy her books now!” As someone who really, really hates false advertising, and who hates it when I pick up a book expecting one thing and get something completely different: my books aren’t humorous at all. They are pretty much the manifestation of all my pain and broken dreams and dorkiness (or at least, what I imagine my pain and broken dreams would be if I dwelled on that kind of stuff). Just so you know.
Meljean’s note #3: Don’t be surprised when this blog lies fallow for the next few weeks. I really am going into a cave and writing a damn book.
Thanks for stopping by!
M.B. 
So funny. Loved this series! Thx.
Will you marry me? In the matter of full disclosure I should say that I’m a redhead and I already have freckles everywhere, not just my face. Sun makes it worse but for you I would wear a hat. So, what do you say?
Thank you for providing a week of laughs!
To anyone new to Meljean’s work. Go there. You won’t be sorry.
Meljean: Yes, Lord Cockmonster is an asshole. Lord Monstercock is not.
I <3 you.
Oh wait! Brie: BACK OFF!! I proposed to Meljean over a year ago when I read her iron Duke novella. She said yes and we are happily married in the writerly way.
I guess I could share.
*snort* thanks for the fun!
And this is why readers should buy your books…because you’re a damn genius.
M.B. is a big fat LIAR! Her books are hilarious. Or at least intermittently funny.
O. M. G. I love you. I’m next in line to marry you. Pretty please?
Shiloh is right, you are a genius.
Much love. Much, much, much love.
**bows down to your awesomeness** Have loved this week’s posts.
And ditto what others have said – Meljean’s books are really good.
I’ve never actually convinced Meljean to marry me, but I’m working on getting her to take out a restraining order against me, so all y’all BACK OFF, you’re making it hard to peer through her window in a creepy fashion.
…oh, what the hell. You can stay. Just don’t be creepier than I am, okay?
Write madly, will miss you!!
Thanks for the laughs. Can’t wait for the new book.
OMG, this is TOTALLY AWESOME! Thank you! Still snickering. (And love the happy ending *g*)
Incredibly funny posts!
Meljean you ROCK, this blog has made me laugh out loud all week despite my having horrible flu, thank you lovely! Can’t wait to read whatever you come out with next. Lots of love from a staunch supporter!
This series, this week, was awesome! Thank you so much for it
Oh yes that CNN report was quite chilling
Awesome week
I love you.
Thanks for the laugh. This was awesome, and so are your books!
Woke up. Googled self. Saw that Dear Author had a response.
Too awesome.
This is brilliant. Wish I didn’t already own all of your books so I could go buy one right now. Thanks for throwing some levity on the fire, MB!!
LOL! What a great series in your blog! Keep writing and I’ll keep reading!
You’re awesome
Fantastic work!
Bravo, bravo.
This was absolutely perfect.
Very droll!
After all the phuckery that’s been going on with authors lately, you could not have timed this better. Brilliant.
Love it when authors don’t take themselves so seriously. Thanks!!!
Thanks for the laughs. And thanks for the other writing too. I just remembered I have to go buy some books.
Freaking ridiculous ride through crazy land – loved it!
FYI, based on your Diary Entries, this reader/writer WOULD go out and buy Heart of Steel – if it weren’t already winging its way from Amazon HQ!
I’ve been mostly offline (Nanny for Chrome prevents many of my waste-time-online urges), but thanks to everyone for your awesome comments!
If you are an author and someone pointed you in this direction, I remembered that I have something you might find helpful in the future:
From someone who knows very well how crappy both can be
Thanks for this series. Landed here from Absolute Write. This was hysterical. A lot of authors should really, really read this before going off half-cocked on blogs, Twitter, etc. Thanks for the laughs!
So, so awesome! I loved the Iron Seas books, and now I’m bumping your other series up on my TBR list. Best of luck on writing in your cave!
This is absolutely magnificent, and I am very sad to read your PPS saying that your books are very different in tone and feel because of course I was about to head straight out and read all your books! But I suspect they are not quite my cup of tea.
Ah well. Fortunately, I have any number of friends who *do* enjoy darker paranormals – I’ll buy your books for them instead.
Good luck with the next book!
Catherine
OMG the opening Google search is even funnier than when I Googled “weapons of mass destruction” during the Bush times in Iraq!
Jeebuz, this whole blog thang has injured me baadly – my stomach HURTZ from laughing so much ;D
GJ
but don’t ever read my Amazon reviews, I’m harsh
I’m in tears – this whole series is absolutely hilarious.
In Meljean’s honor…I made an LOLcat…hope it shows up right.
[Here it is.] Source: cheezburger.com via shiloh on Pinterest
lol! Awesome!
Just finished your blog, couldn’t stop laughing. For a second I was worried that you had gone off the deep end, but over all this made me want to google you lmao. But i thought you’d appreciate it more if I just picked up one of your books instead of joining your long line of stalkers beside I’m already trying to stalk Shiloh Walker, and about 5 other authors my dance card is full but if one of them puts out a restraining order your next on my list. rotflmao
And so the moral of the story is…live on a pig farm!
LOL! Excellent! Thanks for the laugh!
Re: Meljean’s note 2: well, if you ever decide to write a funny book for a change of pace, I will totally read it.
Actually… Just realized the steam punk romance I picked up with my Christmas money is one of yours, so I’ll definitely read one of your books anyways!
Hi. One of the noobs here. Finally started first book of new series, now I can’t wait to GETHOME to read it some more. Damn this author. Damn them!
Pissed. Googled author, read some blog posts… and no! That isn’t fear you think you see in my eyes.
What time is it?! Dammit!
LOL. Made my day to read this.
I’ve never read this Author before, but after reading her “Diary of an Author,” I think I need to give her a try.
Hilarious and brilliantly done!
As if your books don’t already do so, your “diary” has shown without a doubt how incredibly smart AND funny you are.
But oh thank god you’re back to writing . . .