Every so often, I browse through A Mystical Unicorn online bookstore, looking for old categories that I want to re-read. Today, I was browsing through the books and hit this one … and cringed.

This book is a memorable one. Not just because it takes place in Colorado (not unheard of for Harlequin Romance at the time — in fact, one of my favorites from this time period is also set in Colorado — but it was still rare), but because of the scene where the heroine’s nipple is stabbed by a fishhook.

Yes, a fishhook. A barbed one.

She’s kissing the hero while he’s wearing his fishing vest. The next moment, she’s nearly fainting from the pain. Missy, who was flat-chested at the time and barely had any nipples to speak of, almost fainted, too. And twenty years later, I see the title of the book and feel the pain all over again.

So, as a warning to all romance readers out there … if you buy this book, be prepared for the nipple and the fishhook.

Here’s the book’s description:

Seeing him awakened painful memories. As a teenager Sara had corresponded with Brad Rawlins, her brother Peter’s best friend in Vietnam, but when Peter was killed the link had been severed. Brad had never written again. Now he was here in Colorado, a battle-scarred veteran with bitter memories of his own, and Sara realized her love for him had been no passing infatuation. How could she make him understand, though, when to him she was still just Peter’s kid sister?

Note: This was originally published in 2005 on my old blog, but the fanfic from yesterday reminded me of it, and after some prompting from Maili (she didn’t have to prompt very hard) I decided to republish it, because you can never have too much action figure action. Part 1 is here.

MELJEAN: So, here you publish the conclusion to your alien action figure story.
MISSY: That’s right! I’m so excited. It was lots of fun.
MELJEAN: Well. Okay. Let’s see it then.

MELJEAN: Hopefully, next they’ll get naked.
MISSY: Stop your dirty talk!

Note: This was originally published in 2005 on my old blog, but the fanfic from yesterday reminded me of it, and after some prompting from Maili (she didn’t have to prompt very hard) I decided to republish it, because you can never have too much action figure action. The second part will go up tomorrow.

Note 2: Missy is my inner child, the one who read romances in the closet. I review books with her sometimes; you can check those out here [ETA: Oh, god -- WordPress upgrades have effed up the formatting on those reviews. I'll try to go in and fix them in the next week or so.]

MELJEAN: Hey, Missy! Wanna come out of the closet?

MISSY: Yay! Ooooh, what’s all this?

MELJEAN: Your sister and niece took some pictures at home — and when they came up for a visit, they showed them to me. I thought you might have fun telling a story with them.

MISSY: Whoo hoo! Thanks!

MELJEAN: Did you intentionally censor her giant tits?

MISSY: What? God, you’re talking already? Shut up and enjoy the story!

MELJEAN: Meee-ow!

Meljean: Last week on Twitter, a few of us were waxing nostalgic about Silhouette Shadows books — the category paranormal line that came out in the early- and mid-1990s — and it reminded me that I’ve been drafting this post for … well, almost a year now.

Missy: Wait, wait! 1990s? As in … you were in your mid- to late-teens?

Meljean: Yep.

Missy: And you’re not Missy anymore.

Meljean: Nope. And it’s too bad you missed out on the Shadows line, because the books were awesome. Especially the two I’m going to write about today and (maybe) next week.

Missy: Jeez, thanks. I hate you. I’ve been waiting for romances like this my whole life–

Meljean: Actually, only since you were eight. And the first couple of years, you were too enraptured with rubbing thighs to think about combining your love of vampires and werewolves and things that go bump in the night with … well, things that go bump in the night.

Missy: –and I spent tons and tons of time reading Nancy Garden and Bunnicula and haunting the 398.4 section of the library, yet all I had to do was wait a few more years and I’d have vampire romance???

Meljean: Not just vampire romance. Sexy vampire romance.

Missy: … I hate you.

Meljean: Well, if it makes you feel better, the first one doesn’t really have a sex scene at all … and that’s probably a good thing.

Missy: That doesn’t make me feel better, so suck on it.

Meljean: You’re such a little snot. In any case, now that I’ve thought about it for two seconds, I’ve realized that you wouldn’t have liked them.

Missy: Vampires. Werewolves. Duh! Of course I would. What books are they, anyway?

Meljean: The first is a werewolf novel, WOLF IN WAITING by Rebecca Flanders, and is the second in her Heart of the Wolf series. Flanders has written a ton for Silhouette and Harlequin, but werewolf fans might actually know her best from her Donna Boyd novels, THE PASSION and its sequel, THE PROMISE (the Devoncroix dynasty series.) Those aren’t romances, but they are dang good books (and highly recommended.) And, for those familiar with the Boyd books, you’ll find many similarities in the worldbuilding in the Heart of the Wolf series — the uber-rich pack, the Alaskan seat, the werewolf disdain for humans.

Missy: Blah, blah. What’s it about?

Meljean: I don’t remember you being this annoying before.

Missy: I’ve been stuck in a closet for two freaking years! And you bring me out to tease me about books I’ve never read! I hate you!

Meljean: You’re so cute when you’re angry and your nose scrunches up like that. Okay, so here’s the back cover copy:

Dear Missy,

I have a problem. You see, I lurk at a message board where readers talk about … what else … books! And I really love going through the threads where people talk about what they are reading, because I end up with a massive TBR that way and tons of recommendations. And, yes, every once in a while I get a thrill when someone mentions they are reading one of my books! But recently, a thread popped up titled: Books You Hate That Others Love. I’m curious … but should I click?

Confused Lurker In Turmoil

Dear Confused,

Are you a complete masochist? Sure, you’ll see everyone mention what books they don’t like, and how much they hate on them … but WHAT IF YOUR BOOK IS IN THERE? Really, in a thread like that, only pain awaits you. Don’t click, C.L.I.T.

Missy

Dear Missy,

I read a review one minute ago that really, really, REALLY pissed me off. I really want to call the reviewer an ignorant pig. What should I do?

Not an Ignorant Pig

Dear NIP,

Back away from the keyboard. No, if you can read this screen, you’re too close. Turn around, walk into the kitchen, and eat the pint of Ben and Jerry’s stashed there. Go outside and run a mile. Kick your husband off the sofa and curl up with your favorite book. Tell your husband/friend/writing partner that the reviewer is an ignorant pig. It’s probably better to do it in person or on the phone. If you use e-mail, make sure you really, really, really trust that person.

Then, slowly, ease back into your seat. Now, is the review riddled with errors? BIG errors? Not, “you spelled the heroine’s name with an extra ‘L’” or “Jesus Christ, didn’t you notice the gun on the mantle in the first act that the heroine used in the final confrontation? WTF do you mean, ‘out of nowhere?’ Can’t you read??!!!111′” but “you said that the hero tortured a kitty to death on the first page before shoving it down the heroine’s throat — when in fact, he gave her p**** a good licking and then kissed her.” If it’s a small thing, or a matter of taste, or you just don’t like the grade they gave your book or how they interpreted your character’s actions, LEAVE IT ALONE.

But if it’s not, and you absolutely have to respond — and if you can do it without writing an insult anywhere within the comment — maybe you can reply either by e-mail (if it’s a blogger) or in the comments (for bloggers or Amazon) and make your clarification. And it doesn’t hurt to preface that correction by saying something like, “I’m sorry that the book didn’t work for you.”

Sometimes readers will still be upset that you corrected a big error in the review, but most won’t be. And anyone else coming across the conversation will note who is polite and who is belligerent/crazy.

Missy

Dear Missy,

A chick e-mailed me and said she can make my penis bigger! Only, I don’t have a penis! Now I’m confused … am I really a man? After all, I am tall. And I think boobs are pretty awesome. Should I pay her the $199.99 and get a pleasure stick that will make her scream all night long?

Meljean

Dear Meljean,

…

No. There’s no point.

Missy

Dear Missy,

I have a problem. You see, I lurk at a message board where readers talk about … what else … books! And I really love going through the threads where people talk about what they are reading, because I end up with a massive TBR that way and tons of recommendations. And, yes, every once in a while I get a thrill when someone mentions they are reading one of my books! But recently, a thread popped up titled: Books You Hate That Others Love. I’m curious … but should I click?

Confused Lurker In Turmoil

Dear Confused,

Are you a complete masochist? Sure, you’ll see everyone mention what books they don’t like, and how much they hate on them … but WHAT IF YOUR BOOK IS IN THERE? Really, in a thread like that, only pain awaits you. Don’t click, C.L.I.T.

Missy

Dear Missy,

I read a review one minute ago that really, really, REALLY pissed me off. I really want to call the reviewer an ignorant pig. What should I do?

Not an Ignorant Pig

Dear NIP,

Back away from the keyboard. No, if you can read this screen, you’re too close. Turn around, walk into the kitchen, and eat the pint of Ben and Jerry’s stashed there. Go outside and run a mile. Kick your husband off the sofa and curl up with your favorite book. Tell your husband/friend/writing partner that the reviewer is an ignorant pig. It’s probably better to do it in person or on the phone. If you use e-mail, make sure you really, really, really trust that person.

Then, slowly, ease back into your seat. Now, is the review riddled with errors? BIG errors? Not, “you spelled the heroine’s name with an extra ‘L’” or “Jesus Christ, didn’t you notice the gun on the mantle in the first act that the heroine used in the final confrontation? WTF do you mean, ‘out of nowhere?’ Can’t you read??!!!111′” but “you said that the hero tortured a kitty to death on the first page before shoving it down the heroine’s throat — when in fact, he gave her p**** a good licking and then kissed her.” If it’s a small thing, or a matter of taste, or you just don’t like the grade they gave your book or how they interpreted your character’s actions, LEAVE IT ALONE.

But if it’s not, and you absolutely have to respond — and if you can do it without writing an insult anywhere within the comment — maybe you can reply either by e-mail (if it’s a blogger) or in the comments (for bloggers or Amazon) and make your clarification. And it doesn’t hurt to preface that correction by saying something like, “I’m sorry that the book didn’t work for you.”

Sometimes readers will still be upset that you corrected a big error in the review, but most won’t be. And anyone else coming across the conversation will note who is polite and who is belligerent/crazy.

Missy

Dear Missy,

A chick e-mailed me and said she can make my penis bigger! Only, I don’t have a penis! Now I’m confused … am I really a man? After all, I am tall. And I think boobs are pretty awesome. Should I pay her the $199.99 and get a pleasure stick that will make her scream all night long?

Meljean

Dear Meljean,

…

No. There’s no point.

Missy

I’m at The Good, The Bad, and the Unread today! We’re giving away copies of Demon Moon … and Missy pops her head in and takes over some of the GAD duties, because I’m busy with a deadline.

when they rode off into the sunset.

(For those who can’t see, this is from Free to Be, You and Me)

Ah, nostalgia. Although, this actually reminds me most of getting my hair checked for lice, because the school counselor was the one who showed us these films, and the head nurse always lined us up outside the counselor’s office.

Good times. Lice and kids on a freak carousel.

Except I did laugh so hard I cried a little.

Oh, Miiiiisssssssssssssssyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

MISSY: I’m freeee!

MELJEAN: Not for long. Just long enough for you to explain something.

MISSY: Aw, man! I hate you.

MELJEAN: Well, I can’t take long, because I’m not feeling so well, and any moment I might have to abandon the computer to throw up, and I have a feeling the passage I’m about to quote is going to hurry that along.

MISSY: I don’t care. Puke your guts out. Just tell me what we’re reading!

MELJEAN: Ginna Gray’s Where Angels Fear.

MISSY: Oh oh oh oh!! I love that book! I cried and cried and cried at the end, when Sam has to chase after Elise at the airport and tell her he loves her, and it’s so hard for him and a lone tear streaks down his lean cheek when he says it and she falls into his arms …. *sobsobsobsob*

MELJEAN: God, this is making me sick, too.

MISSY: Shut up! You have no soul and no heart! … that’s not the book I read. That has a different cover.

MELJEAN: No, it’s a reprint. It was a popular series. So popular that every time you walked into a UBS and tried to find the first book in the series, Fools Rush In, it wasn’t there. It took you almost seven years to find a copy. And you also bought up all of the others in the series along the way, until you finally forced yourself to stop.

MISSY: Were they good?

MELJEAN: I think they were pretty good, because Gray’s a pretty good writer, even though I haven’t read anything new by her in a while. And I’ll admit Where Angels Fear was an enjoyable read, even if it didn’t reduce me to tears again. It was okay. Except for…

MISSY: What? What?

MELJEAN: Remember how Elise wakes up on the first page in bed with Sam? This is what she encounters:

Avoiding his penetrating stare, Elise lowered her gaze, but her misery increased when she encountered his naked chest. It was broad and dark and covered with a pelt of black hair that shone with the same blue highlights as that on his head. A silver medallion dangled from a chain around his neck, swinging lazily back and forth.

MISSY: So?

MELJEAN: He. Has. A. Pelt. A PELT! Jondalar and Ayla wore pelts to keep warm in the Ice Age.

MISSY: Oh, I love Jondalar and Ayla! And I love Sam!!

MELJEAN: And worse, there’s a medallion! It’s skeezy! Way gross. Oh, and shit keeps getting lost in it. Like her nipples.

Above the towel, his navel was a shadowy cavity amid the whorl of black hair that arrowed downward from the thatch on his chest. In that glossy mat, Elise saw the glint of silver, and her breasts swelled and tingled …. Sam brought her back into his heated embrace, and she gasped as her sensitive nipples sank into the crisp hair on his chest…

A thatch? A glossy mat? What kind of chest hair is so thick that a medallion is covered by it? The silver’s always winking at her from inside the chest hair. At one point, she wants to “bury her aching breasts in the crisp hair on his chest” — how small are her titties and/or how deep is that mat? It freaks me out!

MISSY: What’s your problem? Lots of heroes have chest hair and medallions. It’s sexy.

MELJEAN: *killsself* All I can say is, thank god the 70s and 80s are over.

MISSY: Oh, go puke, you stupid twit.

Congratulations to Cherie, Julia and Holly! Cherie and Julia won a copy of Demon Angel, and I’ll be sending Holly the ARC of Demon Moon as soon as they land in my lap. Thanks to everyone who participated!

If you missed it, this is what we did:

Missy gave some advice to authors.

I gave a sample of the Demon Angel soundtrack with (sometimes frightening) YouTube videos.

I confessed that I have no idea what I’m doing (and followed up here at the blog).

I exposed my inner fangirl (like that doesn’t happen every day, hmm?)

I offered an extended look at Demon Moon — a four chapter sneak peek (be warned! it contains spoilers for Demon Angel!).