Peter's Sister by Jeanne Allen

This book is a memorable one. Not just because it takes place in Colorado (not unheard of for Harlequin Romance at the time — in fact, one of my favorites from this time period is also set in Colorado — but it was still rare), but because of the scene where the heroine’s nipple is stabbed by a fishhook.

Yes, a fishhook. A barbed one.

She’s kissing the hero while he’s wearing his fishing vest. The next moment, she’s nearly fainting from the pain. Missy, who was flat-chested at the time and barely had any nipples to speak of, almost fainted, too. And twenty years later, I see the title of the book and feel the pain all over again.

So, as a warning to all romance readers out there … if you buy this book, be prepared for the nipple and the fishhook.

Here’s the book’s description:

Seeing him awakened painful memories. As a teenager Sara had corresponded with Brad Rawlins, her brother Peter’s best friend in Vietnam, but when Peter was killed the link had been severed. Brad had never written again. Now he was here in Colorado, a battle-scarred veteran with bitter memories of his own, and Sara realized her love for him had been no passing infatuation. How could she make him understand, though, when to him she was still just Peter’s kid sister?

MELJEAN: So, here you publish the conclusion to your alien action figure story.
MISSY: That’s right! I’m so excited. It was lots of fun.
MELJEAN: Well. Okay. Let’s see it then.

MELJEAN: Hopefully, next they’ll get naked.
MISSY: Stop your dirty talk!

MELJEAN: ‘Enigmatic’? Someone has been reading WAY too much fanfiction.
MISSY: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MELJEAN: Hehe, that’s right. You don’t even have the Internet yet. I guess the fanfiction person is me. Tee hee.

MELJEAN: Oh, real subtle. Like Lara could ever hide from Mulder when those giant boobs are probably poking him in the back.
MISSY: Shut up!
MELJEAN: You know, you are taking this way too seriously. You do know these things aren’t real, right?
MISSY: Duh.
MELJEAN: Because there is lately some concern about people who read romance novels being able to tell the difference between reality and fiction.
MISSY: So what?
MELJEAN: Well, over at Squawkradio, when this was commented on, many people talked about reading romances, and starting young and screwing up expectations for real life. And those people were talking about starting at thirteen. You started five years earlier than that.
MISSY: What’s your point?
MELJEAN: Huh. Considering that I’m almost 28, pretty damn normal, have a really healthy relationship, and am pretty damn aware of reality, I guess I don’t have a point.

MELJEAN: Look at Mulder and Scully. They don’t care about her. They just totally want to get nekkid and do it.
MISSY: …maybe that reality check is more urgently needed than you think.
MELJEAN: Shut up and tell your fricking story.

MELJEAN: They are going to put the body in the CAR? You need to do a little more research. I don’t think that’s proper police/FBI procedure.
MISSY: Who cares?
MELJEAN: Me.
MISSY: God, you’re such a bitch.

MELJEAN: Wow. That was…unexpected. And kind of came out of nowhere.
MISSY: I don’t like the word ‘nowhere’. I always read it as ‘now here’ instead of ‘no where’.
MELJEAN: …
MISSY: What? I totally set up Angela’s appearance in Part One!
MELJEAN: *cough god cough from cough the cough machine cough*
MISSY: Actually, an angel. And where are her ribbons?
MELJEAN: Hmmm, good question. I totally love that issue of Angela/Spawn when they are together in the dark and their chains and ribbons are entwined. That was hot.
MISSY: Yeah.

MELJEAN: What’s that weird sandy stuff?
MISSY: I think it’s blood.
MELJEAN: Oh. Okay.

MELJEAN: Uh…why is Lara Croft on the ground in the back?
MISSY: Angela totally knocked her out when she left.
MELJEAN: …why?
MISSY: I don’t know. That’s the way the pictures were. What do you want me to do?
MELJEAN: Coming up with a logical explanation is good.
MISSY: Okay. Angela realized that when Lara was raiding a tomb she stole some ribbons. Angela punched her out and got her ribbons back.
MELJEAN: All off-screen?
MISSY: Yeah. So what?
MELJEAN: That totally cheats the reader.
MISSY: Well, Soooooorrrrrry!

MELJEAN: Hahahahah! I’ve got a better explanation!
MISSY: Oh, god, it’s going to be dirty.
MELJEAN: Well, look at her! Hahahaha!

MELJEAN: Of course.

MELJEAN: Hey! You cheated and used a filter for that effect!
MISSY: I couldn’t help it. I almost used the ‘Reticulan’ filter. But, it didn’t look right.
MELJEAN: Still. Still! Cheat!
MISSY: Shut up or I’ll whack you!

MELJEAN: Ah, finally. That was totally retarded…and back in the closet for you!
MISSY: Noooooooooooooo!
MELJEAN: Bwahahahahahaha!

Note 2: Missy is my inner child, the one who read romances in the closet. I review books with her sometimes; you can check those out here [ETA: Oh, god -- WordPress upgrades have effed up the formatting on those reviews. I'll try to go in and fix them in the next week or so.]

MELJEAN: Hey, Missy! Wanna come out of the closet?

MISSY: Yay! Ooooh, what’s all this?

MELJEAN: Your sister and niece took some pictures at home — and when they came up for a visit, they showed them to me. I thought you might have fun telling a story with them.

MISSY: Whoo hoo! Thanks!

MELJEAN: Did you intentionally censor her giant tits?

MISSY: What? God, you’re talking already? Shut up and enjoy the story!

MELJEAN: Meee-ow!

MELJEAN: She has a lot of dust on her head.

MISSY: She’s an explorer, a tomb raider! You think she only explores clean tombs?

MELJEAN: How did she change her clothes so quickly?

MISSY: ….

MELJEAN: Maybe she should try her chest as a weapon.
MISSY: …..
MELJEAN: Alright, alright! Shutting up!

MELJEAN: Since when has Rogue been a runaway weenie?
MISSY: This is the movie Rogue, not the comic Rogue.
MELJEAN: Ah, that makes sense.

MELJEAN: Hahahahahahaha! Do you know what that looks like?
MISSY: What? He’s attacking her.
MELJEAN: Hahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha!

MELJEAN: Her skin torn off? Killed with a massive dose of jizz, more likely.
MISSY: You’re gross! God, why do you have such a dirty mind?
MELJEAN: It’s your fault! You read too many smutty romances.
MISSY: There wasn’t any jizz-killing in them! That’s all your screwed up mind, not mine!
MELJEAN: Huh…you got me there.

MELJEAN: Rogue changed her clothes?
MISSY: Don’t ask me. Ask Echo and Jessica. They took the damn pictures.
MELJEAN: Why is she humping Jean’s dead body?
MISSY: I’ll kill you someday.

MELJEAN: Yay! Scully and Mulder! Will they have some hot ‘shipper action? I like Angela, too.
MISSY: I’m not dirty like that!
MELJEAN: Yes you are! I know you used to make your Barbies and Star Wars figures and He-Man figures do it.
MISSY: Shut up!
MELJEAN: Hehe.
(Special thanks to Echo and Jessica, who took these pics on a whim and gave me lots of material and about two gallons of tears from laughter.)

Meljean: Last week on Twitter, a few of us were waxing nostalgic about Silhouette Shadows books — the category paranormal line that came out in the early- and mid-1990s — and it reminded me that I’ve been drafting this post for … well, almost a year now.

Missy: Wait, wait! 1990s? As in … you were in your mid- to late-teens?

Meljean: Yep.

Missy: And you’re not Missy anymore.

Meljean: Nope. And it’s too bad you missed out on the Shadows line, because the books were awesome. Especially the two I’m going to write about today and (maybe) next week.

Missy: Jeez, thanks. I hate you. I’ve been waiting for romances like this my whole life–

Meljean: Actually, only since you were eight. And the first couple of years, you were too enraptured with rubbing thighs to think about combining your love of vampires and werewolves and things that go bump in the night with … well, things that go bump in the night.

Missy: –and I spent tons and tons of time reading Nancy Garden and Bunnicula and haunting the 398.4 section of the library, yet all I had to do was wait a few more years and I’d have vampire romance???

Meljean: Not just vampire romance. Sexy vampire romance.

Missy: … I hate you.

Meljean: Well, if it makes you feel better, the first one doesn’t really have a sex scene at all … and that’s probably a good thing.

Missy: That doesn’t make me feel better, so suck on it.

Meljean: You’re such a little snot. In any case, now that I’ve thought about it for two seconds, I’ve realized that you wouldn’t have liked them.

Missy: Vampires. Werewolves. Duh! Of course I would. What books are they, anyway?

Meljean: The first is a werewolf novel, WOLF IN WAITING by Rebecca Flanders, and is the second in her Heart of the Wolf series. Flanders has written a ton for Silhouette and Harlequin, but werewolf fans might actually know her best from her Donna Boyd novels, THE PASSION and its sequel, THE PROMISE (the Devoncroix dynasty series.) Those aren’t romances, but they are dang good books (and highly recommended.) And, for those familiar with the Boyd books, you’ll find many similarities in the worldbuilding in the Heart of the Wolf series — the uber-rich pack, the Alaskan seat, the werewolf disdain for humans.

Missy: Blah, blah. What’s it about?

Meljean: I don’t remember you being this annoying before.

Missy: I’ve been stuck in a closet for two freaking years! And you bring me out to tease me about books I’ve never read! I hate you!

Meljean: You’re so cute when you’re angry and your nose scrunches up like that. Okay, so here’s the back cover copy:

He was the standard against which all others were measured — the strongest, the smartest, the sexiest and the most noble of his kind: Noel Duprey, whose birthright forbade him even to look Victoria St. Clare’s way, for his destiny would never allow him to take her as his bride.

Furthermore, Noel believed she was a traitor, out to destroy his legacy — out to destroy him. But all she was really after was his heart . . .

Missy: … and you think I won’t like this?

Meljean: Well, for one — it’s in alternating first person POV.

Missy: *I* don’t have a problem with first person.

Meljean: But … Oh.

Missy: Yeah, genius. That’s you. I was going along just fine until you got that stupid preference for third person in your big fat head.

Meljean: Well that’s just weird. I wonder when it happened. It was before this book, btw — because I actually put off reading it for a little while when I saw the POV.

Missy: A little while? Like … a day?

Meljean: Hey, that was a huge effort when I was seventeen. Anyway, it didn’t matter — the voices are distinct, and each time I get in either of their heads, I like being there.

Missy: Whatever, loser. So he’s gorgeous, rich, and a werewolf. Why can’t he marry her?

Meljean: Because she’s an anthromorph — a werewolf who can’t change shape. And if Noel is going to be king one day (which he never intended to be, btw — his cousin gave up the throne in the first book) he can’t have an anthromorph for a queen.

Missy: Well, he can just give up his throne, too. Duh.

Meljean: No, he can’t.

Missy: Why?

Meljean: A) it’s not in his character, B) the pack would go to hell.

Missy: Literally?

Meljean: Do you see a capital letter in hell? So, anyway, Victoria is the pack outcast, despite being super-gorgeous and talented.

Missy: And he thinks she’s a traitor?

Meljean: Well, yeah. There’s this ad campaign, and bits and pieces of it are being leaked to rival companies. So he’s like, “Are you screwing with the pack?” and she’s like, “Go fuck off, you sexy beast! And I should screw the pack, because all you shape-shifters are assholes!”

Missy: …

Meljean: What? That’s kind of what happens. Anyway, it’s really awesome.

Missy: And you’re leaving it at that?

Meljean: Well, yeah. I’ve got work — and any more might be spoilers.

Missy: Then I’ll read it.

Meljean: Uh, but you weren’t actually old enough –

Missy: I’M READING THIS FREAKING BOOK, FATHEAD! You explaining it like this is retarded.

Meljean: But –

Missy: Shut up. Go write, and I’ll read.

ONE. YEAR. LATER.

Meljean: So … ?

Missy: So, what?

Meljean: There weren’t any horsies in it.

Missy: Up yours.

Meljean: Or any virgins.

Missy: Well, actually, it’s hard to tell, considering that the first time they –

Meljean: We won’t go there. Flanders didn’t, and she handled it just right. So, uh — weren’t you going to give the readers a blow-by-blow account?

Missy: *kicks rock* I don’t really want to spoil it for anyone. It’s … different.

Meljean: In a bad way?

Missy: A good one. First, there’s Victoria. I want to be Victoria! I want her hair and her apartment –

Meljean: Yep, here we go.

Missy: Shut up, loser! She’s awesome! Everybody in the pack hates her and she doesn’t really fit in with humans, either, but she doesn’t sit around crying. She’s kind of happy with her life, even though she’s lonely. And she’s smart! And you can tell she’s a werewolf! She has totally different ways of looking at things than most heroines do. She really thinks she’s superior to humans — smarter, stronger, better suited to everything. All of the werewolves do.

Meljean: The werewolves actually remind me of most romance-novel vampires in many respects: cultured, rich, viciously manipulative. This is a scene where, while trying to sniff out the traitor, Noel takes her to a party and everyone insults Victoria to her face. Noel begins to leave, the hostess begs him not to … and

I realized they had no idea they had done anything wrong. In fact, no one in the room saw anything wrong with the way they had reacted to Victoria, not even Victoria herself. That in itself infuriated me, and I might have left, anyway, but for the steadying pressure of Victoria’s fingers on my arm [...]

I said in quiet, polite French, but distinctly enough for everyone to hear, “It is not my wish to make anyone uncomfortable. Please remember, however, that when you insult my guest, you insult me.”

Stillman avoided my eyes, clearly confused. His wife tugged at her necklace in increasing distress. “Sir, I don’t understand what you mean. Of course–”

And then, to my surprise as much as anyone’s, Victoria spoke up. Her voice was cool and clear and held only the slightest tinge of impatience, nothing more. “What he means,” she said, “is that he is the heir designé. If he brought a trained monkey to dinner with him, he would expect it to be seated at the table. Is that really such a difficult concept?”

“Oh.” The faces around me cleared. “Oh, yes, of course.” Avril Stillman bowed deeply, as did her husband. “Our pardon, sir. We intended no offense.”

I turned again to Victoria, raising an inquisitive eyebrow as I offered her my arm.

She lifted a dismissive shoulder and murmured, “You just have to put it in terms they can understand.”

Missy: Oh, and the bathtub scene.

Meljean: Yeah, that scene, too. Sexy, yet at the same time underscoring not only the differences in werewolf culture, but the problems Noel and Victoria have to overcome. It’s just a fantastic scene … and, ew, that I’m talking about it with you. What about Noel?

Missy: Who cares???? Victoria! Victoria!

Meljean: I actually like him. It took me a while to warm up to him, but once I looked at everything like Victoria did — that, to her werewolf sensibilities (and in many respects, human ones), it was honorable and heroic to sacrifice his personal happiness for the sake of the pack, which translated to the sake of the world — I appreciated his character much, much more.

I said simply, gazing into the dark woods, “I cannot rule alone. But for me there will never be another queen but Victoria.”

And that was the essence of it, the summation of all my despair. For the love of a woman an empire was lost? Not quite. Only the heart of its ruler. And I was sure this was not the first time in history, human or werewolf, that has happened.

Meljean: He really turned my head around when it came to thinking about different types of heroes. Plus, he’s got a good character arc in this story. And although I’m not completely sold on the traitor’s identity and how that came about … it fits the category length, and is appropriate to the internal conflicts of the characters. Really, despite the traitor plot that puts the events in motion — this book is all about the characters.  And at the time, I’d never read a character like Victoria.

Missy: Blah, blah, shut up! Victoria! Victoria!

Meljean: You say that now — but you haven’t met Rhiannon yet. Between the two of them, I’m pretty sure my idea of romance heroine got a complete shift.

Missy: Whatever! Victoria!

Meljean: … Next up, Maggie Shayne’s TWILIGHT MEMORIES.

I have a problem. You see, I lurk at a message board where readers talk about … what else … books! And I really love going through the threads where people talk about what they are reading, because I end up with a massive TBR that way and tons of recommendations. And, yes, every once in a while I get a thrill when someone mentions they are reading one of my books! But recently, a thread popped up titled: Books You Hate That Others Love. I’m curious … but should I click?

Confused Lurker In Turmoil

Dear Confused,

Are you a complete masochist? Sure, you’ll see everyone mention what books they don’t like, and how much they hate on them … but WHAT IF YOUR BOOK IS IN THERE? Really, in a thread like that, only pain awaits you. Don’t click, C.L.I.T.

Missy

Dear Missy,

I read a review one minute ago that really, really, REALLY pissed me off. I really want to call the reviewer an ignorant pig. What should I do?

Not an Ignorant Pig

Dear NIP,

Back away from the keyboard. No, if you can read this screen, you’re too close. Turn around, walk into the kitchen, and eat the pint of Ben and Jerry’s stashed there. Go outside and run a mile. Kick your husband off the sofa and curl up with your favorite book. Tell your husband/friend/writing partner that the reviewer is an ignorant pig. It’s probably better to do it in person or on the phone. If you use e-mail, make sure you really, really, really trust that person.

Then, slowly, ease back into your seat. Now, is the review riddled with errors? BIG errors? Not, “you spelled the heroine’s name with an extra ‘L’” or “Jesus Christ, didn’t you notice the gun on the mantle in the first act that the heroine used in the final confrontation? WTF do you mean, ‘out of nowhere?’ Can’t you read??!!!111′” but “you said that the hero tortured a kitty to death on the first page before shoving it down the heroine’s throat — when in fact, he gave her p**** a good licking and then kissed her.” If it’s a small thing, or a matter of taste, or you just don’t like the grade they gave your book or how they interpreted your character’s actions, LEAVE IT ALONE.

But if it’s not, and you absolutely have to respond — and if you can do it without writing an insult anywhere within the comment — maybe you can reply either by e-mail (if it’s a blogger) or in the comments (for bloggers or Amazon) and make your clarification. And it doesn’t hurt to preface that correction by saying something like, “I’m sorry that the book didn’t work for you.”

Sometimes readers will still be upset that you corrected a big error in the review, but most won’t be. And anyone else coming across the conversation will note who is polite and who is belligerent/crazy.

Missy

Dear Missy,

A chick e-mailed me and said she can make my penis bigger! Only, I don’t have a penis! Now I’m confused … am I really a man? After all, I am tall. And I think boobs are pretty awesome. Should I pay her the $199.99 and get a pleasure stick that will make her scream all night long?

Meljean

Dear Meljean,

…

No. There’s no point.

Missy

I have a problem. You see, I lurk at a message board where readers talk about … what else … books! And I really love going through the threads where people talk about what they are reading, because I end up with a massive TBR that way and tons of recommendations. And, yes, every once in a while I get a thrill when someone mentions they are reading one of my books! But recently, a thread popped up titled: Books You Hate That Others Love. I’m curious … but should I click?

Confused Lurker In Turmoil

Dear Confused,

Are you a complete masochist? Sure, you’ll see everyone mention what books they don’t like, and how much they hate on them … but WHAT IF YOUR BOOK IS IN THERE? Really, in a thread like that, only pain awaits you. Don’t click, C.L.I.T.

Missy

Dear Missy,

I read a review one minute ago that really, really, REALLY pissed me off. I really want to call the reviewer an ignorant pig. What should I do?

Not an Ignorant Pig

Dear NIP,

Back away from the keyboard. No, if you can read this screen, you’re too close. Turn around, walk into the kitchen, and eat the pint of Ben and Jerry’s stashed there. Go outside and run a mile. Kick your husband off the sofa and curl up with your favorite book. Tell your husband/friend/writing partner that the reviewer is an ignorant pig. It’s probably better to do it in person or on the phone. If you use e-mail, make sure you really, really, really trust that person.

Then, slowly, ease back into your seat. Now, is the review riddled with errors? BIG errors? Not, “you spelled the heroine’s name with an extra ‘L’” or “Jesus Christ, didn’t you notice the gun on the mantle in the first act that the heroine used in the final confrontation? WTF do you mean, ‘out of nowhere?’ Can’t you read??!!!111′” but “you said that the hero tortured a kitty to death on the first page before shoving it down the heroine’s throat — when in fact, he gave her p**** a good licking and then kissed her.” If it’s a small thing, or a matter of taste, or you just don’t like the grade they gave your book or how they interpreted your character’s actions, LEAVE IT ALONE.

But if it’s not, and you absolutely have to respond — and if you can do it without writing an insult anywhere within the comment — maybe you can reply either by e-mail (if it’s a blogger) or in the comments (for bloggers or Amazon) and make your clarification. And it doesn’t hurt to preface that correction by saying something like, “I’m sorry that the book didn’t work for you.”

Sometimes readers will still be upset that you corrected a big error in the review, but most won’t be. And anyone else coming across the conversation will note who is polite and who is belligerent/crazy.

Missy

Dear Missy,

A chick e-mailed me and said she can make my penis bigger! Only, I don’t have a penis! Now I’m confused … am I really a man? After all, I am tall. And I think boobs are pretty awesome. Should I pay her the $199.99 and get a pleasure stick that will make her scream all night long?

Meljean

Dear Meljean,

…

No. There’s no point.

Missy

Ah, nostalgia. Although, this actually reminds me most of getting my hair checked for lice, because the school counselor was the one who showed us these films, and the head nurse always lined us up outside the counselor’s office.

Good times. Lice and kids on a freak carousel.

Oh, Miiiiisssssssssssssssyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!

MISSY: I’m freeee!

MELJEAN: Not for long. Just long enough for you to explain something.

MISSY: Aw, man! I hate you.

MELJEAN: Well, I can’t take long, because I’m not feeling so well, and any moment I might have to abandon the computer to throw up, and I have a feeling the passage I’m about to quote is going to hurry that along.

MISSY: I don’t care. Puke your guts out. Just tell me what we’re reading!

MELJEAN: Ginna Gray’s Where Angels Fear.

MISSY: Oh oh oh oh!! I love that book! I cried and cried and cried at the end, when Sam has to chase after Elise at the airport and tell her he loves her, and it’s so hard for him and a lone tear streaks down his lean cheek when he says it and she falls into his arms …. *sobsobsobsob*

MELJEAN: God, this is making me sick, too.

MISSY: Shut up! You have no soul and no heart! … that’s not the book I read. That has a different cover.

MELJEAN: No, it’s a reprint. It was a popular series. So popular that every time you walked into a UBS and tried to find the first book in the series, Fools Rush In, it wasn’t there. It took you almost seven years to find a copy. And you also bought up all of the others in the series along the way, until you finally forced yourself to stop.

MISSY: Were they good?

MELJEAN: I think they were pretty good, because Gray’s a pretty good writer, even though I haven’t read anything new by her in a while. And I’ll admit Where Angels Fear was an enjoyable read, even if it didn’t reduce me to tears again. It was okay. Except for…

MISSY: What? What?

MELJEAN: Remember how Elise wakes up on the first page in bed with Sam? This is what she encounters:

Avoiding his penetrating stare, Elise lowered her gaze, but her misery increased when she encountered his naked chest. It was broad and dark and covered with a pelt of black hair that shone with the same blue highlights as that on his head. A silver medallion dangled from a chain around his neck, swinging lazily back and forth.

MISSY: So?

MELJEAN: He. Has. A. Pelt. A PELT! Jondalar and Ayla wore pelts to keep warm in the Ice Age.

MISSY: Oh, I love Jondalar and Ayla! And I love Sam!!

MELJEAN: And worse, there’s a medallion! It’s skeezy! Way gross. Oh, and shit keeps getting lost in it. Like her nipples.

Above the towel, his navel was a shadowy cavity amid the whorl of black hair that arrowed downward from the thatch on his chest. In that glossy mat, Elise saw the glint of silver, and her breasts swelled and tingled …. Sam brought her back into his heated embrace, and she gasped as her sensitive nipples sank into the crisp hair on his chest…

A thatch? A glossy mat? What kind of chest hair is so thick that a medallion is covered by it? The silver’s always winking at her from inside the chest hair. At one point, she wants to “bury her aching breasts in the crisp hair on his chest” — how small are her titties and/or how deep is that mat? It freaks me out!

MISSY: What’s your problem? Lots of heroes have chest hair and medallions. It’s sexy.

MELJEAN: *killsself* All I can say is, thank god the 70s and 80s are over.

MISSY: Oh, go puke, you stupid twit.

If you missed it, this is what we did:

Missy gave some advice to authors.

I gave a sample of the Demon Angel soundtrack with (sometimes frightening) YouTube videos.

I confessed that I have no idea what I’m doing (and followed up here at the blog).

I exposed my inner fangirl (like that doesn’t happen every day, hmm?)

I offered an extended look at Demon Moon — a four chapter sneak peek (be warned! it contains spoilers for Demon Angel!).