Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4

Woke up. Googled self.

Oh

my

God!

Shocked. Who has the power to do this to me? Am suddenly terrified. Check romance sites.

Can’t believe it. Everyone has turned against me … but it’s not as if anyone outside Romancelandia really cares!

Am flabbergasted. The power of those 10 real readers is astonishing! They must have minions everywhere. Well, I won’t be cowed! I won’t!

Went to Starbucks to begin “Reclaim M.B.’s Google” campaign. Was immediately uneasy. Some guy reading a book glanced up at me as I walked in the door. He began reading again, but I could tell by his expression that he knew who I was…and he was watching me. Saw someone with an iPad – obviously one of DA_Jane’s minions.

These readers are everywhere — and they are all against me.

Ordered two coffees, extra hot. Threw them into ReaderGuy and iPadMinion’s faces and RAN! Got into car and sped for the state line. Didn’t even take time to return home to say goodbye to daughter and husband. I know the readers are watching my home and I won’t endanger my family!

Crossed through Oregon, Idaho, into Montana. Almost rented a hotel room but the girl at the desk had a book in her hand.

THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!

Day 6

Still on the lam. Trying to think of a place where there aren’t any readers. Decide to paint myself orange and drive to Snooki’s mansion. It’s the only place I’ll be safe — and everyone in the publishing world hates her almost as much as they hate me!

Day 9

Racing away from Snooki’s mansion. Discovered that not everyone hates her — the CEO loves her for making the publishing house lots of $$$$. I’m only midlist!!!

Woe is me! Where do I go? The desert is the only safe place now. In a cave.

Day 125

Emerged from cave long enough to send editor my completed manuscript. It’s astonishing how productive I am when I’m not online.

Day 300

Went through bout of Cormac McCarthy-like prose, but have since regained sanity. Members throb again. While sending out second manuscript to editor, stopped at grocery and picked up a book.

Read it.

It was the first book read since my first novella was published 7 years ago. Had been so busy checking stats and Googling self, I never had time to read.

I decided that it was “okay.” If I had been a reviewer, I might have given it three stars.

I have become them.

Day 321

Sometimes I think that Lord Cockmonster really is an asshole.

Day 364

Returned home. Husband expressed shock — he hadn’t even realized I’d been gone! He’d assumed I was in deadline hell or checking my Amazon rankings like usual.

No, I said.

He said, What are those spots all over your face?

Freckles, I said. I have been chasing lizards through the desert and eating them for dinner. This is what happens when I go out into the sun.

Jesus. I wish you’d told me that before I married you.

I’m sorry, I said. I’m sorry for a lot of things.

Well, as long as you’re happy, I guess it’s okay.

Had wild sex, because that is what romance authors do. Left him sleeping and set up my computer at my desk again. Went to a few romance blogs. Didn’t see anyone mention my name. Some other author had done something now. Reader-author relationships were still being discussed. Self-pubs still being discussed. Pretty much the same authors’ books being discussed. Ebook pricing still being discussed. Rape in romance still being discussed. Went to bed.

Day 365

Woke up. Thought about Googling self.

Wrote a damn book, instead.

THE END

Meljean’s note: Of course it has a happy ending! I’m a romance writer, for fuck’s sake.

Meljean’s note #2: Ah, I noticed that some newbies have dropped by. Hi! I’ve also noticed that some are saying, “I’m going to buy her books now!” As someone who really, really hates false advertising, and who hates it when I pick up a book expecting one thing and get something completely different: my books aren’t humorous at all. They are pretty much the manifestation of all my pain and broken dreams and dorkiness (or at least, what I imagine my pain and broken dreams would be if I dwelled on that kind of stuff). Just so you know.

Meljean’s note #3: Don’t be surprised when this blog lies fallow for the next few weeks. I really am going into a cave and writing a damn book.

Thanks for stopping by!
M.B.

Refreshed review for an hour, waiting for correction and contrition. Finally went to Starbucks and made anonymous comment pointing out the spelling error. Sent irritated e-mail to publicist. Why do I have to do all of the freaking work around here?

Looked over story notes for WIP. Can’t remember the last time I had time to write. All the promo and online stuff is insane!

Google alert interrupted me when opening MS Word. A new review on Goodreads! About damn time.

…I got an F.

She thought the hero was an asshole.

Walked away from keyboard. Walked into kitchen. Looked at knife drawer and imagined stabbing my gut, which would have been less painless than reading the review. Then as I die I would write “I can’t live with an F” in blood on the cheap linoleum and then the reader would know that her review killed me and feel bad. BUT THAT WOULDN’T BE ENOUGH. Pulled wine bottle out of fridge, instead. Walked back to computer. Read review again, thinking that perhaps I read it incorrectly the first time.

It’s still an F. WTF? She still thinks the hero is an asshole. Well, that’s just WRONG.

Clicked ‘reply.’

M.B. wrote:
Thank you so much for your review! Sorry you didn’t enjoy the book.

One little thing, though — you state that the hero is an asshole, but that is addressed explicitly in the book. On page 374, the heroine thinks:

It was all so clear to her now! Lord Cockmonster wasn’t an asshole — everyone had misunderstood his nature!

So just a little correction, LOLOLOL. The line was probably easy to miss, but now that I’ve pointed it out, I’m sure it will change your opinion of him and of the book!

xoxoxo
M.B.

AnotherCow wrote:
Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. When are you authors going to get it through your skulls that reviews are for readers? And that when you write something and put it out for public consumption, it will be criticized?

 
Clicked away from Goodreads to check e-mail. Was shocked by notice of 35 “unfollows” on Twitter … but I was followed by 60 more people! Website stats are incredible! Received almost 1000 hits from Goodreads in an hour! Checked Amazon rankings — they are way up! Obviously a ton of people are supporting and agreeing with me, even if they don’t have the balls to speak up against everyone who is attacking me.

Saw e-mail from author I don’t know very well. Maybe you should step away from the keyboard and vent to your friends, instead? Hahahahaha! No doubt she’s just faking her concern and is jealous of all the attention I’m getting. I replied and told her that I have 2K friends on Facebook and almost as many on Goodreads, so I am venting to my friends.

Skimmed Google reader. Saw headlines like “Authors Behaving Badly” and “Don’t be like M.B.” and “Batshit Crazy Author Loses It on Goodreads” and “I’m sooooooooooo much better than that bad author!” and “Readers please don’t think we’re all like that!!”

Returned to Goodreads. Obviously, someone Tweeted the link. Almost 100 new comments had been posted, all of them hating on me, all obviously hoping that someone will “like” their comment, all trying to be so smart. Hahaha! Keep trying, you jealous cows!

M.B. wrote:
This is so stupid. I can sum up every post here as “But it’s her opinion” — even though most of you haven’t even read the book to know whether her opinion is valid (HINT: It’s not!)

Her opinion is WRONG, as I’ve proved over and over again! TheJealousCow says she “wasn’t convinced” by that line, and still thought that Lord Cockmonster was an asshole. WTF? Next readers are going to say “I wasn’t convinced Couple X was really in love, even though they said it over and over again in another author’s book.” WHEN WILL THE MADNESS STOP?

Why not take it a step farther? If you’re going to base a review and a book’s grade despite the words that are in the book, then why not just start reviewing and claiming things that aren’t in books? “This hero is a pedophile! It doesn’t matter that the heroine is 30 years old; he just seems like the molesting type to me!” or “This hero is a bigamist, because he already married a toaster!”

 
EveryoneOnTheInternets wrote:
OMG! Another author goes crazy! When will they just learn to walk away?!
 

 
Flounced. Checked the clock. Too late to get any writing in today. Damn it.

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

I hate everyone.

Checked Twitter. Saw an author mention they are not enjoying a recently released book. Didn’t mention the title, but I just know she is talking about my book, because I haven’t seen her mention it on her Twitter stream before this. WHY DON’T YOU GROW A PAIR AND JUST SAY IT, YOU JEALOUS COW? Went to Amazon, gave three star review to her latest book. “Thought this was only okay. Much preferred other recent releases, like M.B.’s. She rocks!”

Blogging day. Scoured internet for blog topics. Used them all before. Watched YouTube video about honey badger for inspiration.

Created new e-mail address. Created new reader blog.

Diary of a Reader, Day 1

Woke up. Checked on progress of torrents. HAHA why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, amirite? Authors should be thankful I’m reading their crap at all!

Scoured the internets, looking for authors behaving badly. Found one who was sad about a review. *FISTPUMP* Tweeted: Why do authors read reviews if they are too sensitive not to feel bad when someone doesn’t like their book? and when someone inevitably asked me what prompted that comment I sent them a link to the author’s blog.

Basked in RTs. Laughed and laughed as everyone piled on stupid author and told her to suck it up.

Made note of all authors who didn’t RT the link. Reminder to self: Give them bad review next time. But only lower by one grade, so not to be too obvious – don’t want to ruin chance that they’ll guest post and/or link to my blog! Made note of all other readers who didn’t RT. Author ass-kissers? Reminder to self: Begin commenting on their blogs, become their e-mail buddy. Find out whether they really are ass-kissers.

Checked e-mails. The “Let’s Make Authors Cry” Yahoo group is hopping! Made new topic: Ways to drive authors crazy in 2012. Suggested: Say all over romancelandia that we don’t want any more alphas, vampires, Regencies, white people, and dukes … then only buy and review Regencies populated with white alpha vampire dukes. LOLOL! Another reader suggested that we should say reviews are only for readers on odd-numbered days; on even-numbered days, remind authors that reading reviews is a great way to get valuable constructive criticism. That suggestion seems a little 2011, I dunno. Mine is better. But, whatever works, lol!

Saw fangirl review on Amazon. Whee! Haha. Organized the first “When Real Readers Attack!” of 2012 before another blogger could. Didn’t stop until the fangirl flounced.

I can’t believe it’s already midnight! No time to finish reading the book I’m supposed to review. Oh, well. I’ll write a quick review anyway — doesn’t matter, because they’re all the same: snarkalicious! LOLOL!

Feel better already. Refreshed blog e-mail, waiting for comments. None yet. Made new e-mail address. Went to Starbucks and posted the link anonymously on popular blog. Proof of mean girl conspiracy!

Finally wrote official author blog, assuring readers that I know they aren’t really like that blogger being discussed in that popular blog. Thanked them, because I wouldn’t have a series or a livelihood without their awesome support. Note to self: Topic for next week is how readers shouldn’t feel obligated to support authors. They should buy or borrow the books they want to read without thinking of the author as a person at all; reassure them that authors are big girls and responsible for own careers.

Reported success to “Fucking With Readers’ Heads” Yahoo group. LOL!

Spent rest of evening coming up with other ways to mess with their heads. Cliffhangers? It’s just so K.M.M. — and so 2010. Killing off the hero? Already been done. Making hero cheat on heroine with another dude? Already been done. Make hero die old and alone while his descendant joins the mile-high club with his heroine? Already been done and done. Sigh. I’ll have to think of something better soon.

What time is it? Crap. No chance to write today. Will stay offline tomorrow and catch up on the WIP.

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

Remembered that it’s Tweet Day. Pulled up social media guidelines. Must not put readers off by too much promo. Must mention something of shared interest. Must be friendly and open. Looked on Twitter to see frequent topics — pets, food. Spent an hour composing and editing tweet. My fluffy cat looks at me while I eat. LOL! Does yours? Plz RT

Sent copy of Tweet to publicist.

Can’t forget that social media is all about interaction. Re-Tweeted all reviews of my books, before bloggers notice that I didn’t Re-Tweet and give me a lower grade next time out of spite. Wrote down names of all negative reviews. Reminder to self: Make new e-mail. New Goodreads account. Friend them. Bide time.

Re-Tweeted all author contests — if readers get other books for free they will buy mine. Saw that K.C. finally came online again to promote her new book and Tweeted so I Re-Tweeted her Tweet. Make note: I supported her, can remind her of it when I ask for quote.

Re-Tweeted last Tweet of all NYT authors. Should get awesome quote soon.

Checked Amazon rankings. Checked rankings of all other PNR authors. Saw N.S. much, much higher than me. Made new Amazon account. Voted down all five-star reviews for her books. Wrote three-star review. “Was hoping for something more like M.B.’s incredible work, but N.S. only delivered something okay. Who spells ‘hawk’ with an ‘e’? Also, M.B. is a more engaging and friendly Tweeter.”

Sent e-mail to N.S. “Just saw your new review! What an asshole! Some people have no taste.” LOLOL, she’ll never know.

Opened MS Word. Opened Scrivener. Turned on AlphaSmart. Ready to write as soon as I Google myself.

Didn’t Google self. Got notice that two people unfollowed on Twitter. One named Jenna25448241. Couldn’t find who she really is, only gross fake pictures — probably a loser hater. One is an author! So furious. We have to support each other!

Jealous cow.

Made new Twitter account. Sent @reply: You think you are a good writer, but only your mommy says you are! Wah! Do you cry when you get bad reviews, little girl? You need to…

toughen up!

Tweeted links of all of her four-star-and-under reviews at Goodreads. When blocked, made new account. Went to Starbucks when Twitter blocked my IP. I’m too smart for them, LOL.

Damn it — Midnight already! Online drama making it impossible to get any work done. Will catch up on WIP tomorrow.

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

Compiled all quotes ever received and sent to publicist. Just in case she lost the last quote. Cc’d to editor, and editor’s assistant. Bcc’d to self, in case they pretend they never received them later. I will know.

Put the best 25 quotes in my e-mail signature, and the signature for all of my Yahoo loops.

Opened Google reader. 1000+ review blogs to read. No mention of me or my work, except one who said “If you like M.B.’s work, you will like this new author’s work, too.” WTF? No one is like me. Made note of blog name. Would delete it from my feedreader but I need to know if she spreads more falsehoods and compares me to another hack.

Reminder to self: Create new e-mail address. Review hack’s book. Make it three stars, so that it’s not too obvious. Say, “I bought this because some reviewer said it was like MY FAVORITE AUTHOR’S books, but it was only okay. Nothing like the awesomeness of M.B.!” Buy the hack’s book later so no need to feel guilty (but not during the first week, when it might help her hit a list before I do.) I support my fellow authors!!!

Checked rankings on Amazon. Called my mother and cried. She said something about my aunt’s tumor getting worse. Thanks for caring about MY problems, MOTHER!

Note to self: Heartless mother in WIP? Art imitates life.

Googled self. New review! …. “uneven pacing” — What? She gave me an A-. MINUS!!! for “uneven pacing”??? She obviously doesn’t even know what pacing is! She probably never even WENT TO SCHOOL! Why can people who obviously grow up on pig farms can REVIEW BOOKS? God!

New e-mail address and new Amazon account. Composed reply to review: I don’t know why you thought the pacing was uneven. I thought it was perfect! Wasn’t happy, thought it was too obvious. Spent a few hours editing it to: I don’t know the author, I’ve only read her books. I wonder: Do you even know how to read? The pacing was perfect! M.B. rocks! Went to Starbucks and used their internet access to mask my IP. Drank tea to soothe my nerves. Posted reply to review, then posted a review for a table so that they don’t think I made my account just to post the reply. I gave the table two stars to show I’m not easily pleased, so M.B. must be REALLY great!

Refreshed review page, waiting for response from reviewer. Nothing. Do they have internet access on pig farms? Hahaha! Beginning to think the MINUS!!! is the work of another author trying to sabotage me. Made list of who the author might be. Saw on J.M.’s blog that she uses the phrase “uneven pacing.” Read all of her blog entries, ever. Found more similar evidence, phrases used in the MINUS!!! review: “likable characters” and “hot!” Created new e-mail address. E-mailed: “I know what you did.” Jealous cow.

Starbucks closed before I had time to write! Damn it. Will have to get the words in tomorrow.

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

So, unless I see you at the signing in Bellevue, I’ll see you Monday!

I can’t speak on this about steampunk in general, only my own work. The Iron Seas books are written in a different mode than my Guardian books, which incorporates more contemporary/modern slang, usage, and so on. With the Iron Seas, however, I use a structure that sounds less modern (to my ears, anyway), and am diligent about making certain the words themselves are appropriate to the time period (the etymological dictionary is my best friend while writing them.)

But my voice is similar, I think. On the level of a sentence, you won’t find the complexity of, say, a Jane Austen novel. I deliberately try to make it as accessible as possible without making it *simple,* if that makes sense — and so I would *hope* that you would find it as easy to read as the Guardian books.

That said, it’s hard for me to judge. I use terms that might be familiar to many historical readers, yet that wouldn’t be to a non-native speaker who primarily uses contemporary English, and I wouldn’t realize that I’ve made it difficult in that way. Not that I don’t deliberately select every word and phrase, because I do — but because I wouldn’t know which ones would be familiar to you from your reading.

So I’d love to give you a real answer — Yes! they will be easy!, or No! They are difficult! — but it’s simply impossible for me to guess. I suspect that if you don’t have any trouble with the excerpts on the site (link), you probably wouldn’t have any trouble with the novels. There will likely be some confusion even while reading those excerpts (simply because there is a lot of worldbuilding going on, and many aspects of the world will be unfamiliar to you whether the language is clear or not, and I introduce terms like “nanoagents” that only have meaning in this world), but it will give you a good idea of whether my writing is significantly different.

I also wondered if the people in Steampunk novels are open-minded.. No, I mean.. If it’s a historical setting then you’d expect the people to be like they were back then, but it’s also fantasy and romance.. So.. Well, I guess most of my questions are about those differences. Not the setting, but how this changes the reading experience, the personalities (and I wanted to add something else but nothing comes to my mind so I’ll just say–) etc.

My answer here is Yes and No. I often describe steampunk as history written (or re-written) through 21st century goggles, and I think that modern sensibility often bleeds through so that the behaviors that are acceptable within the story are more explicitly written/viewed through that lens. I also think that the inclusion of those modern sensibilities don’t seem as anachronistic as they can in some historical novels, simply because of the nature of the steampunk genre (that fantasy aspect, if you will.) Those modern sensibilities still have to *fit* the world — just as the advanced technology does — but if written well, it’s not as jarring as it can be in a historical novel.

I don’t want to give the impression, however, that *everyone* in a steampunk novel is more open-minded, or that all people in history were close-minded. They aren’t. It all depends on the individual character. Some men in steampunk novels will think it’s perfectly fine to beat their wives; some real historical men or men in historical novels would be horrified by the idea, and it wouldn’t be anachronistic at all. On a wider scale, however, on a social and cultural scale — yes, I think it is easier to incorporate more modern ideas without seeming anachronistic.

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This Saturday, I’m going to be at the San Diego RWA chapter meeting talking about steampunk romance (this is open to non-RWA members, too – attendance details are here.) I have pages and pages of notes on the things I plan to cover, but now I’m trying to think of (and prepare for) questions that might not have occurred to me.

So: Is there anything about steampunk romance that you are still wondering about? (Not necessarily my series, but in general?) Please feel free to ask here.

I’m going to selfishly use your questions to make certain that I’ve covered my bases for the meeting on Saturday; hopefully I’ve already jotted down notes on everything, but I imagine that I’ve left a few holes. But I will also answer each question here on my blog over the next couple of weeks (depending on how many questions I get) so that you’re not just left hanging there after helping me out.

A stunning and sexy addition to the world of the Guardians about one man’s revenge against the half-demon he once loved…

Nicholas St. Croix is familiar with the evil of demons. After his father’s death, a demon took over his mother’s body and raised him. Six years ago, his “mother” was responsible for the disappearance of the woman he loved, and Nicholas swore he’d find her—even if he had to go to Hell and back. Except she finds him first—and with one tormented kiss, he knows she too is a demon. Now he is determined to take his revenge…

Ash is a half-demon with no memory of her past or how she got to Hell. All she knows is that Nicholas St. Croix holds the key to her identity. And though he’s clearly drawn to her, Nicholas makes no secret of his distrust of her. Yet one kiss at a time, he breaks down her defenses as they battle an array of demons and Guardians. But is Ash’s greatest enemy the man at her side?

“The award-winning Brook adds another multifaceted and intense drama to her already impressive Guardian series.” ½” —RT Book Reviews

$7.99 Berkley Sensation | ISBN 978-0425242698 | September 6th, 2011