Diary of an Author, Day 3

Woke up. Googled self. No new mentions or reviews.

I hate everyone.

Checked Twitter. Saw an author mention they are not enjoying a recently released book. Didn’t mention the title, but I just know she is talking about my book, because I haven’t seen her mention it on her Twitter stream before this. WHY DON’T YOU GROW A PAIR AND JUST SAY IT, YOU JEALOUS COW? Went to Amazon, gave three star review to her latest book. “Thought this was only okay. Much preferred other recent releases, like M.B.’s. She rocks!”

Blogging day. Scoured internet for blog topics. Used them all before. Watched YouTube video about honey badger for inspiration.

Created new e-mail address. Created new reader blog.

Diary of a Reader, Day 1

Woke up. Checked on progress of torrents. HAHA why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, amirite? Authors should be thankful I’m reading their crap at all!

Scoured the internets, looking for authors behaving badly. Found one who was sad about a review. *FISTPUMP* Tweeted: Why do authors read reviews if they are too sensitive not to feel bad when someone doesn’t like their book? and when someone inevitably asked me what prompted that comment I sent them a link to the author’s blog.

Basked in RTs. Laughed and laughed as everyone piled on stupid author and told her to suck it up.

Made note of all authors who didn’t RT the link. Reminder to self: Give them bad review next time. But only lower by one grade, so not to be too obvious – don’t want to ruin chance that they’ll guest post and/or link to my blog! Made note of all other readers who didn’t RT. Author ass-kissers? Reminder to self: Begin commenting on their blogs, become their e-mail buddy. Find out whether they really are ass-kissers.

Checked e-mails. The “Let’s Make Authors Cry” Yahoo group is hopping! Made new topic: Ways to drive authors crazy in 2012. Suggested: Say all over romancelandia that we don’t want any more alphas, vampires, Regencies, white people, and dukes … then only buy and review Regencies populated with white alpha vampire dukes. LOLOL! Another reader suggested that we should say reviews are only for readers on odd-numbered days; on even-numbered days, remind authors that reading reviews is a great way to get valuable constructive criticism. That suggestion seems a little 2011, I dunno. Mine is better. But, whatever works, lol!

Saw fangirl review on Amazon. Whee! Haha. Organized the first “When Real Readers Attack!” of 2012 before another blogger could. Didn’t stop until the fangirl flounced.

I can’t believe it’s already midnight! No time to finish reading the book I’m supposed to review. Oh, well. I’ll write a quick review anyway — doesn’t matter, because they’re all the same: snarkalicious! LOLOL!

Feel better already. Refreshed blog e-mail, waiting for comments. None yet. Made new e-mail address. Went to Starbucks and posted the link anonymously on popular blog. Proof of mean girl conspiracy!

Finally wrote official author blog, assuring readers that I know they aren’t really like that blogger being discussed in that popular blog. Thanked them, because I wouldn’t have a series or a livelihood without their awesome support. Note to self: Topic for next week is how readers shouldn’t feel obligated to support authors. They should buy or borrow the books they want to read without thinking of the author as a person at all; reassure them that authors are big girls and responsible for own careers.

Reported success to “Fucking With Readers’ Heads” Yahoo group. LOL!

Spent rest of evening coming up with other ways to mess with their heads. Cliffhangers? It’s just so K.M.M. — and so 2010. Killing off the hero? Already been done. Making hero cheat on heroine with another dude? Already been done. Make hero die old and alone while his descendant joins the mile-high club with his heroine? Already been done and done. Sigh. I’ll have to think of something better soon.

What time is it? Crap. No chance to write today. Will stay offline tomorrow and catch up on the WIP.

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