Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4

Woke up. Googled self.

Oh

my

God!

Shocked. Who has the power to do this to me? Am suddenly terrified. Check romance sites.

Can’t believe it. Everyone has turned against me … but it’s not as if anyone outside Romancelandia really cares!

Am flabbergasted. The power of those 10 real readers is astonishing! They must have minions everywhere. Well, I won’t be cowed! I won’t!

Went to Starbucks to begin “Reclaim M.B.’s Google” campaign. Was immediately uneasy. Some guy reading a book glanced up at me as I walked in the door. He began reading again, but I could tell by his expression that he knew who I was…and he was watching me. Saw someone with an iPad – obviously one of DA_Jane’s minions.

These readers are everywhere — and they are all against me.

Ordered two coffees, extra hot. Threw them into ReaderGuy and iPadMinion’s faces and RAN! Got into car and sped for the state line. Didn’t even take time to return home to say goodbye to daughter and husband. I know the readers are watching my home and I won’t endanger my family!

Crossed through Oregon, Idaho, into Montana. Almost rented a hotel room but the girl at the desk had a book in her hand.

THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!

Day 6

Still on the lam. Trying to think of a place where there aren’t any readers. Decide to paint myself orange and drive to Snooki’s mansion. It’s the only place I’ll be safe — and everyone in the publishing world hates her almost as much as they hate me!

Day 9

Racing away from Snooki’s mansion. Discovered that not everyone hates her — the CEO loves her for making the publishing house lots of $$$$. I’m only midlist!!!

Woe is me! Where do I go? The desert is the only safe place now. In a cave.

Day 125

Emerged from cave long enough to send editor my completed manuscript. It’s astonishing how productive I am when I’m not online.

Day 300

Went through bout of Cormac McCarthy-like prose, but have since regained sanity. Members throb again. While sending out second manuscript to editor, stopped at grocery and picked up a book.

Read it.

It was the first book read since my first novella was published 7 years ago. Had been so busy checking stats and Googling self, I never had time to read.

I decided that it was “okay.” If I had been a reviewer, I might have given it three stars.

I have become them.

Day 321

Sometimes I think that Lord Cockmonster really is an asshole.

Day 364

Returned home. Husband expressed shock — he hadn’t even realized I’d been gone! He’d assumed I was in deadline hell or checking my Amazon rankings like usual.

No, I said.

He said, What are those spots all over your face?

Freckles, I said. I have been chasing lizards through the desert and eating them for dinner. This is what happens when I go out into the sun.

Jesus. I wish you’d told me that before I married you.

I’m sorry, I said. I’m sorry for a lot of things.

Well, as long as you’re happy, I guess it’s okay.

Had wild sex, because that is what romance authors do. Left him sleeping and set up my computer at my desk again. Went to a few romance blogs. Didn’t see anyone mention my name. Some other author had done something now. Reader-author relationships were still being discussed. Self-pubs still being discussed. Pretty much the same authors’ books being discussed. Ebook pricing still being discussed. Rape in romance still being discussed. Went to bed.

Day 365

Woke up. Thought about Googling self.

Wrote a damn book, instead.

THE END

Meljean’s note: Of course it has a happy ending! I’m a romance writer, for fuck’s sake.

Meljean’s note #2: Ah, I noticed that some newbies have dropped by. Hi! I’ve also noticed that some are saying, “I’m going to buy her books now!” As someone who really, really hates false advertising, and who hates it when I pick up a book expecting one thing and get something completely different: my books aren’t humorous at all. They are pretty much the manifestation of all my pain and broken dreams and dorkiness (or at least, what I imagine my pain and broken dreams would be if I dwelled on that kind of stuff). Just so you know.

Meljean’s note #3: Don’t be surprised when this blog lies fallow for the next few weeks. I really am going into a cave and writing a damn book.

Thanks for stopping by!
M.B.

Refreshed review for an hour, waiting for correction and contrition. Finally went to Starbucks and made anonymous comment pointing out the spelling error. Sent irritated e-mail to publicist. Why do I have to do all of the freaking work around here?

Looked over story notes for WIP. Can’t remember the last time I had time to write. All the promo and online stuff is insane!

Google alert interrupted me when opening MS Word. A new review on Goodreads! About damn time.

…I got an F.

She thought the hero was an asshole.

Walked away from keyboard. Walked into kitchen. Looked at knife drawer and imagined stabbing my gut, which would have been less painless than reading the review. Then as I die I would write “I can’t live with an F” in blood on the cheap linoleum and then the reader would know that her review killed me and feel bad. BUT THAT WOULDN’T BE ENOUGH. Pulled wine bottle out of fridge, instead. Walked back to computer. Read review again, thinking that perhaps I read it incorrectly the first time.

It’s still an F. WTF? She still thinks the hero is an asshole. Well, that’s just WRONG.

Clicked ‘reply.’

M.B. wrote:
Thank you so much for your review! Sorry you didn’t enjoy the book.

One little thing, though — you state that the hero is an asshole, but that is addressed explicitly in the book. On page 374, the heroine thinks:

It was all so clear to her now! Lord Cockmonster wasn’t an asshole — everyone had misunderstood his nature!

So just a little correction, LOLOLOL. The line was probably easy to miss, but now that I’ve pointed it out, I’m sure it will change your opinion of him and of the book!

xoxoxo
M.B.

AnotherCow wrote:
Oh, Jesus. Here we go again. When are you authors going to get it through your skulls that reviews are for readers? And that when you write something and put it out for public consumption, it will be criticized?

 
Clicked away from Goodreads to check e-mail. Was shocked by notice of 35 “unfollows” on Twitter … but I was followed by 60 more people! Website stats are incredible! Received almost 1000 hits from Goodreads in an hour! Checked Amazon rankings — they are way up! Obviously a ton of people are supporting and agreeing with me, even if they don’t have the balls to speak up against everyone who is attacking me.

Saw e-mail from author I don’t know very well. Maybe you should step away from the keyboard and vent to your friends, instead? Hahahahaha! No doubt she’s just faking her concern and is jealous of all the attention I’m getting. I replied and told her that I have 2K friends on Facebook and almost as many on Goodreads, so I am venting to my friends.

Skimmed Google reader. Saw headlines like “Authors Behaving Badly” and “Don’t be like M.B.” and “Batshit Crazy Author Loses It on Goodreads” and “I’m sooooooooooo much better than that bad author!” and “Readers please don’t think we’re all like that!!”

Returned to Goodreads. Obviously, someone Tweeted the link. Almost 100 new comments had been posted, all of them hating on me, all obviously hoping that someone will “like” their comment, all trying to be so smart. Hahaha! Keep trying, you jealous cows!

M.B. wrote:
This is so stupid. I can sum up every post here as “But it’s her opinion” — even though most of you haven’t even read the book to know whether her opinion is valid (HINT: It’s not!)

Her opinion is WRONG, as I’ve proved over and over again! TheJealousCow says she “wasn’t convinced” by that line, and still thought that Lord Cockmonster was an asshole. WTF? Next readers are going to say “I wasn’t convinced Couple X was really in love, even though they said it over and over again in another author’s book.” WHEN WILL THE MADNESS STOP?

Why not take it a step farther? If you’re going to base a review and a book’s grade despite the words that are in the book, then why not just start reviewing and claiming things that aren’t in books? “This hero is a pedophile! It doesn’t matter that the heroine is 30 years old; he just seems like the molesting type to me!” or “This hero is a bigamist, because he already married a toaster!”

 
EveryoneOnTheInternets wrote:
OMG! Another author goes crazy! When will they just learn to walk away?!
 

 
Flounced. Checked the clock. Too late to get any writing in today. Damn it.

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

I hate everyone.

Checked Twitter. Saw an author mention they are not enjoying a recently released book. Didn’t mention the title, but I just know she is talking about my book, because I haven’t seen her mention it on her Twitter stream before this. WHY DON’T YOU GROW A PAIR AND JUST SAY IT, YOU JEALOUS COW? Went to Amazon, gave three star review to her latest book. “Thought this was only okay. Much preferred other recent releases, like M.B.’s. She rocks!”

Blogging day. Scoured internet for blog topics. Used them all before. Watched YouTube video about honey badger for inspiration.

Created new e-mail address. Created new reader blog.

Diary of a Reader, Day 1

Woke up. Checked on progress of torrents. HAHA why buy the cow when you get the milk for free, amirite? Authors should be thankful I’m reading their crap at all!

Scoured the internets, looking for authors behaving badly. Found one who was sad about a review. *FISTPUMP* Tweeted: Why do authors read reviews if they are too sensitive not to feel bad when someone doesn’t like their book? and when someone inevitably asked me what prompted that comment I sent them a link to the author’s blog.

Basked in RTs. Laughed and laughed as everyone piled on stupid author and told her to suck it up.

Made note of all authors who didn’t RT the link. Reminder to self: Give them bad review next time. But only lower by one grade, so not to be too obvious – don’t want to ruin chance that they’ll guest post and/or link to my blog! Made note of all other readers who didn’t RT. Author ass-kissers? Reminder to self: Begin commenting on their blogs, become their e-mail buddy. Find out whether they really are ass-kissers.

Checked e-mails. The “Let’s Make Authors Cry” Yahoo group is hopping! Made new topic: Ways to drive authors crazy in 2012. Suggested: Say all over romancelandia that we don’t want any more alphas, vampires, Regencies, white people, and dukes … then only buy and review Regencies populated with white alpha vampire dukes. LOLOL! Another reader suggested that we should say reviews are only for readers on odd-numbered days; on even-numbered days, remind authors that reading reviews is a great way to get valuable constructive criticism. That suggestion seems a little 2011, I dunno. Mine is better. But, whatever works, lol!

Saw fangirl review on Amazon. Whee! Haha. Organized the first “When Real Readers Attack!” of 2012 before another blogger could. Didn’t stop until the fangirl flounced.

I can’t believe it’s already midnight! No time to finish reading the book I’m supposed to review. Oh, well. I’ll write a quick review anyway — doesn’t matter, because they’re all the same: snarkalicious! LOLOL!

Feel better already. Refreshed blog e-mail, waiting for comments. None yet. Made new e-mail address. Went to Starbucks and posted the link anonymously on popular blog. Proof of mean girl conspiracy!

Finally wrote official author blog, assuring readers that I know they aren’t really like that blogger being discussed in that popular blog. Thanked them, because I wouldn’t have a series or a livelihood without their awesome support. Note to self: Topic for next week is how readers shouldn’t feel obligated to support authors. They should buy or borrow the books they want to read without thinking of the author as a person at all; reassure them that authors are big girls and responsible for own careers.

Reported success to “Fucking With Readers’ Heads” Yahoo group. LOL!

Spent rest of evening coming up with other ways to mess with their heads. Cliffhangers? It’s just so K.M.M. — and so 2010. Killing off the hero? Already been done. Making hero cheat on heroine with another dude? Already been done. Make hero die old and alone while his descendant joins the mile-high club with his heroine? Already been done and done. Sigh. I’ll have to think of something better soon.

What time is it? Crap. No chance to write today. Will stay offline tomorrow and catch up on the WIP.

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

Remembered that it’s Tweet Day. Pulled up social media guidelines. Must not put readers off by too much promo. Must mention something of shared interest. Must be friendly and open. Looked on Twitter to see frequent topics — pets, food. Spent an hour composing and editing tweet. My fluffy cat looks at me while I eat. LOL! Does yours? Plz RT

Sent copy of Tweet to publicist.

Can’t forget that social media is all about interaction. Re-Tweeted all reviews of my books, before bloggers notice that I didn’t Re-Tweet and give me a lower grade next time out of spite. Wrote down names of all negative reviews. Reminder to self: Make new e-mail. New Goodreads account. Friend them. Bide time.

Re-Tweeted all author contests — if readers get other books for free they will buy mine. Saw that K.C. finally came online again to promote her new book and Tweeted so I Re-Tweeted her Tweet. Make note: I supported her, can remind her of it when I ask for quote.

Re-Tweeted last Tweet of all NYT authors. Should get awesome quote soon.

Checked Amazon rankings. Checked rankings of all other PNR authors. Saw N.S. much, much higher than me. Made new Amazon account. Voted down all five-star reviews for her books. Wrote three-star review. “Was hoping for something more like M.B.’s incredible work, but N.S. only delivered something okay. Who spells ‘hawk’ with an ‘e’? Also, M.B. is a more engaging and friendly Tweeter.”

Sent e-mail to N.S. “Just saw your new review! What an asshole! Some people have no taste.” LOLOL, she’ll never know.

Opened MS Word. Opened Scrivener. Turned on AlphaSmart. Ready to write as soon as I Google myself.

Didn’t Google self. Got notice that two people unfollowed on Twitter. One named Jenna25448241. Couldn’t find who she really is, only gross fake pictures — probably a loser hater. One is an author! So furious. We have to support each other!

Jealous cow.

Made new Twitter account. Sent @reply: You think you are a good writer, but only your mommy says you are! Wah! Do you cry when you get bad reviews, little girl? You need to…

toughen up!

Tweeted links of all of her four-star-and-under reviews at Goodreads. When blocked, made new account. Went to Starbucks when Twitter blocked my IP. I’m too smart for them, LOL.

Damn it — Midnight already! Online drama making it impossible to get any work done. Will catch up on WIP tomorrow.

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

Compiled all quotes ever received and sent to publicist. Just in case she lost the last quote. Cc’d to editor, and editor’s assistant. Bcc’d to self, in case they pretend they never received them later. I will know.

Put the best 25 quotes in my e-mail signature, and the signature for all of my Yahoo loops.

Opened Google reader. 1000+ review blogs to read. No mention of me or my work, except one who said “If you like M.B.’s work, you will like this new author’s work, too.” WTF? No one is like me. Made note of blog name. Would delete it from my feedreader but I need to know if she spreads more falsehoods and compares me to another hack.

Reminder to self: Create new e-mail address. Review hack’s book. Make it three stars, so that it’s not too obvious. Say, “I bought this because some reviewer said it was like MY FAVORITE AUTHOR’S books, but it was only okay. Nothing like the awesomeness of M.B.!” Buy the hack’s book later so no need to feel guilty (but not during the first week, when it might help her hit a list before I do.) I support my fellow authors!!!

Checked rankings on Amazon. Called my mother and cried. She said something about my aunt’s tumor getting worse. Thanks for caring about MY problems, MOTHER!

Note to self: Heartless mother in WIP? Art imitates life.

Googled self. New review! …. “uneven pacing” — What? She gave me an A-. MINUS!!! for “uneven pacing”??? She obviously doesn’t even know what pacing is! She probably never even WENT TO SCHOOL! Why can people who obviously grow up on pig farms can REVIEW BOOKS? God!

New e-mail address and new Amazon account. Composed reply to review: I don’t know why you thought the pacing was uneven. I thought it was perfect! Wasn’t happy, thought it was too obvious. Spent a few hours editing it to: I don’t know the author, I’ve only read her books. I wonder: Do you even know how to read? The pacing was perfect! M.B. rocks! Went to Starbucks and used their internet access to mask my IP. Drank tea to soothe my nerves. Posted reply to review, then posted a review for a table so that they don’t think I made my account just to post the reply. I gave the table two stars to show I’m not easily pleased, so M.B. must be REALLY great!

Refreshed review page, waiting for response from reviewer. Nothing. Do they have internet access on pig farms? Hahaha! Beginning to think the MINUS!!! is the work of another author trying to sabotage me. Made list of who the author might be. Saw on J.M.’s blog that she uses the phrase “uneven pacing.” Read all of her blog entries, ever. Found more similar evidence, phrases used in the MINUS!!! review: “likable characters” and “hot!” Created new e-mail address. E-mailed: “I know what you did.” Jealous cow.

Starbucks closed before I had time to write! Damn it. Will have to get the words in tomorrow.

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5

Yayayayayay!

I’d planned to throw a huge blog party when it finally came out in ebook, but I’m not sure what form that will take yet (I kind of, ahem, didn’t expect this and totally blew my promo budget for this month on the New Year’s giveaway postage.) So I’ll come up with something over the next few days.

Now, about Demon Angel – a lot of people ask whether to start the Guardians series here, and it’s true that the series officially begins with this book … but it and Demon Moon are also the two books that readers have had the most trouble getting into (and other readers love them, so I can’t even begin to guess whether you would, too). My advice usually is: Read the reviews. If the problems mentioned sound like something that would really bother you, skipping to Demon Night might be a good idea (and you can always go back later and read the first two books when you’re more familiar with the mythology of the series.)

I’ve written a bit more about this here. You can see in the comments, the same reactions: some loved the series right away, some couldn’t get into until Demon Night.

Of course I hope you all love it, though! Lilith and Hugh are still one of my favorite couples … and Sir Pup, too

Also, Penguin ebooks don’t typically come with covers. So here’s one (mildly offensive) that I made up for the print readers long, long ago*.

A mildly offensive cover that fits Demon Angel a little better than the real one does. Click to enlarge.

*Ack. Thank goodness my Photoshop skillz have improved a little since then.

So, if you are up for a fun/snarky bookclub read, this is your chance I won’t be participating or reading the posts and discussions, simply because I find that it’s too easy to go insane that way, but I’ll be happy to answer any questions that come up as you go along — just contact me through the blog or my contact page.

Some links that might be helpful to readers new to the series:

All of the books in the Iron Seas series (you don’t have to read the earlier stories before The Iron Duke.)

An Overview of the Iron Seas Alternate History

A Rough Guide to the Iron Seas (with an ugly map)

If you are new to steampunk:

What is steampunk?

A series of posts and steampunk Q&A — Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five (Part Six will be coming to this blog later this week.)

And of course if you have any questions here, please feel free to comment!

h/t Melinda Smith and Alice Jackson. Thanks for the heads-up, ladies!

Now, for the rough part:

The print version of the mass-market release contains an epilogue novella to The Iron Duke called “Mina Wentworth and the Invisible City.”

This novella is not included in the ebook version of The Iron Duke — that content is the same as the trade version.

The novella will be released as an ebook later this year. When I have a date, I’ll let everyone know.

I know this sucks. And there has been a lot of talk around the blogosphere lately about where to go to lodge complaints — in this case, that place is right here, because this one is all on me. When my editor asked if I had any bonus content to include in the mass market reprint, we talked of adding a short epilogue that can let us see how Mina & Rhys are doing after the HEA. A simple plot, some smexy times, and done. I pictured it much like the bonus content that was included in Nalini Singh’s mass-market of Kiss of Snow — just a short story to put up on my site when the reprint came out.

That’s not quite what happened. The story actually became a longish novella, because I loved revisiting them, I had more to add to their story, and I couldn’t keep it short. I also ran too late to give my editor another story as the bonus content, because we were approaching the date when I either get it in NOW or nothing goes into the reprint at all. But I also thought it was important to release it as an ebook so that it wasn’t just available to mass-market readers, so the question was: do it myself, or let Berkley do it?

I wanted Berkley to do it. Although I like self-pubbing shorts, I honestly don’t have the time to do a good job of it now or anytime in the near future. That meant contracts, however, and scheduling the novella in for ebook publication. I signed those about two months ago, which was actually cutting it all pretty close.

And so this is why the ebook will be coming later than the print version, and why the ebook version of The Iron Duke won’t include the novella. The Iron Duke mass-market version was already scheduled, and already in Berkley’s production pipeline; my novella ebook was not, and to force it through earlier would mean shoving someone else’s book to the side while production worked on mine (and it was not in the ebook conversion pipeline at all, because we hadn’t planned to update The Iron Duke’s file with the short bonus content. Now, the novella is scheduled for ebook production, but again — that takes time, and must fit into the already-existing schedule.)

The ebook will come. Just not at the same time as print, and I’m sorry for that.

“With The Iron Duke, Meljean Brook has brilliantly defined the new genre of Steampunk Romance.
I loved it!” —Jayne Ann Krentz

One of Publishers Weekly‘s Best Romances of 2010, winner of All About Romance‘s Annual Reader Poll for Best Paranormal Romance, and a RT BookReviews Reviewers’ Choice Award Winner!

After the Iron Duke freed England from Horde control, he instantly became a national hero. Now Rhys Trahaearn has built a merchant empire on the power — and fear — of his name. And when a dead body is dropped from an airship onto his doorstep, bringing Detective Inspector Mina Wentworth into his dangerous world, he intends to make her his next possession.

Mina can’t afford his interest, however. Horde blood runs through her veins, and despite the nanotech enhancing her body, she barely scratches out a living in London society. Becoming Rhys’s lover would destroy both her career and her family, yet the investigation prevents her from avoiding him…and the Iron Duke’s ruthless pursuit makes him difficult to resist.

But when Mina uncovers the victim’s identity, she stumbles upon a conspiracy that threatens the lives of everyone in England. To save them, Mina and Rhys must race across zombie-infested wastelands and treacherous oceans — and Mina discovers the danger is not only to her countrymen as she finds herself tempted to give up everything to the Iron Duke. Read an excerpt–>

“…a stunning blend of steampunk setting and poignant romance – smart, sexy, breathtaking, and downright addicting.” —Ilona Andrews, New York Times bestselling author of Magic Bleeds

“…a high seas/airborne adventure that’s filled with zombies, pirates and deadly betrayal. Along with the pulse-pounding adventure, there’s plenty of seriously sensuous sizzle for readers to enjoy.” ½! —RT BookReviews

“With adept writing and a flair for creating believable worlds, Brook’s first in the Iron Seas series showcases her masterful storytelling.” —Booklist

$7.99 | January 3, 2012 | ISBN 978-0425244265

<– Go to previous book in the series

Go to next book in the series –>

Please look for your name in the list of winners below. If you’re there, please go to my giveaways page and enter your mailing information before January 31st.

Important: I will sign all of the copies, and unless you tell me otherwise, I will sign it to the first name entered into the mailing address form. If you plan to give it away to someone else, though, or if you just want me to sign it without adding your name, please let me know (there’s a “special notes” section in the address entry form).

This means I have forty-five books to mail out! I will do my best to send them in batches over the next two weeks, so if it takes a little time, don’t panic! But if you don’t receive them by the end of the month, please feel free to let me know, and I’ll check the tracking numbers.

~Demon Marked~
#31 – Liz
#77 – Kaya H
#105 – Sharon Knight
#70 – Sandra Rosa
#112 – Monica
#54 – Nikki P.
#64 – Kristy
#132 – Kayleigh H
#61 – Vanessa N
#2 – Pauline

~Angels of Darkness~
#7 – Rochelle
#102 – JenniferK
#98 – Sullivan McPig
#56 – Stacy S
#62 – Gladys
#125 – LillianJolly
#113 – Julie
#12 – Anastasia
#23 – Cassie
#72 – Becky S.

~Heart of Steel~
#48 – XxxXLozXxxX
#90 – EmmaD
#130 – sooz
#41 – Jeanette Juan
#37 – Rachel Goettl
#85 – Meriam
#35 – Li
#43 – Pamk
#99 – CS
#115 – Samantha R.

~The Iron Duke (Mass Market Edition)~
#3 – Brenda
#11 – Sarah
#14 – Brandy Swain
#24 – Amy Kathryn
#25 – Nix
#49 – Melissa Bee
#58 – Tracy
#81 – Na S.
#91 – DeeAnn
#93 – Laurie F.
#106 – StarlitRogue
#107 – Lea-Ellen B
#118 – Spav
#137 – Melissa B
#138 – Habiba