Last week, I lamented over the sad, messy apartment, and how I never seem to have the time (or I’m just too lazy) to keep it as clean as I would like. This week, my daughter came down with a cold. Just a little cold, but she only wanted to cuddle with Mommy. Which Mommy liked, but it also meant NO WRITING. Gah!
So I have two problems: a messy house, and I need more time to write sans cute (and now healthy) two-year-old. But my advance check just came in, so what better way to celebrate than by hiring a housekeeper/nanny?
But first, I was responsible and interviewed this…person.
Subject: Potential Employee (the green one).
MELJEAN: Thanks for answering the ad. Until you freaked me out by appearing in my house unexpectedly, hugging and playing with my daughter, I was afraid I’d set the wage too low.
MELJEAN: If you are my housekeeper, that means you’ll be constantly cleaning, because I’m really fricking messy and shit. And my husband is a slob. Can you handle that?
MELJEAN: I’m not sure how to put this delicately, but — well, after meeting you, I am worried about your status as an employable…uh, person. There isn’t going to be any under-the-table shenanigans around here, you know. When I pay you that thirty cents an hour, it’ll be processed like it should!
MELJEAN: Oh, I’m not trying to insinuate you are here illegally. I just don’t want to be the next Zoe Baird. Or Bernard Kerik. Not that I could ever be Bernard, you know, since I’m missing a few choice bits.
MELJEAN: I have to admit I like that you don’t talk much. Although, that might actually be a problem. You see, it is very possible I might eventually want to write some futuristic romances in the, er, future, and having a real alien around to interview — for research purposes, you know, I won’t probe you or some shit like that — would be extraordinarily handy.
MELJEAN: Oh! Unless you like to be probed! Then I’ll dig around in there like crazy as I ask all kinds of stuff like: do you have gender? do you have genitals? do you really use dilithium crystals to power your spaceships? Because all that stuff is crucial to making an erotic space adventure.
MELJEAN: Huh. Umbi already seems to like you. Well, then, I think you might be just perfect for the job of taking care of my kid and cleaning my house. Will you use a vaporizing ray to clean it?
MELJEAN: Damn. Okay, well — here’s the closet where you’ll be staying while you work for us. You don’t need much bigger, do you?
MISSY: I’m free! I’m free!
MELJEAN: Can you use your vaporizing ray on her?