Releasing the Goats of War

What with one thing and another, a conversation on Twitter led up to this:

But the Blacksmith does not conceal the Goats of War behind his zipper. He doesn’t even HAVE a zipper, because he lives in an alternate history and zippers haven’t been (and probably never will be) invented.

I hated to make a liar of myself, however, and so — here is my next hero, Goliath Thunderpants. His book is called THE GOATS OF WAR and is part of the Stone Zipper romance series.

Cute brunette holding a little goatTHE GOATS OF WAR

He was a virgin.

Of course he was a virgin. From the day of his birth his mother had warned him never to let loose the power residing within his diapers (and later his pants, when he began to wear them.) Such fearsome power! He could never know love. Never know a woman’s touch. It didn’t matter that there were a million things that two people can do to each other with their fingers and mouths and other parts — he was tortured, frustrated, bleak, and a complete asshole because he’d never unzipped the stone zipper that was the Earth’s only guard against the most destructive force ever seen.

(God, this is bad writing, Meljean says, wincing inwardly before chugging another Starbucks’ Refreshers — and then blames her terrible writing on Netflix and the six freaking episodes of Happy Valley that she watched the previous night, and the zero hours of sleep she got.)

Then he met her. She was a total slut. Goliath knew she was because of her innocent, slumberous eyes. Obviously she was just waiting to be awakened by a male touch and then she would hump everyone but him.

(No, really, she pretty much got herself off every night and she watched a lot of porn, so she wasn’t innocent at all but slightly misinformed, but Goliath Thunderpants has the worst case of priapism in the history of the Earth (or at least after Priapus got his stiffy and lent the name to the condition — oh, and here is the worldbuilding, because Priapus is maybe the son of Pan and Pan is kind of goat-like, right? And Goliath has a Biblical name because *mumble mumble* AND IT ALL MAKES SENSE) so his blueballs kind of blinded him and made him a really terrible judge of character. In book three of the trilogy SPOILER his best friend Randy is going to betray him! But we all know that from the first page because only bad guys in romance novels would ever be named Randy. But Goliath’s friend Stacked Steele is totally going to be in a sequel.)

But he saw her and he had to have her.

At that moment, Vera yanked two swords from her nether regions! The steel made a scraping sound and Goliath realized with a shocked “By Dionysus’s fleshy grapes!” that she wasn’t his fated heroine but some awesome man-eating warrior woman with vagina dentata here to destroy the evil corporation he’d built while nursing his battered and tortured soul.

Because he’s a billionaire, too. Of course.

Standing firm, Goliath shouted, “Halt!”

But the woman kept coming (something that had never happened in Goliath’s presence before, despite his most fevered wishes.) Desperately he fumbled for the fly of his pants but the exquisitely fine wool was battered by the thrashing of the beast(s) behind his stone zipper.

With a cry of righteous fury, Vera the Vagina Monster leapt toward him. Goliath only had one defense — to unleash the Goats of War! With a tumultuous shout (“Release the Goats of War!”) he tore the zipper down.

And lived happily ever after.