Dear Mami and Papi

I think your little girl is cute; I really do. It’s undeniable that she has a great head on her shoulders. But we really need to talk about your parenting skills.

Dora’s like, what — six years old? Seven? When I was that age, I was traipsing around the woods near my house, sure. I usually had my older sisters with me, but I was pretty capable when I was all by my lonesome. So it’s not exactly that I’m objecting to Dora running around the jungle with her Map and Backpack. I think it’s great when kids are allowed a certain amount of freedom to explore and learn about their surroundings.

But Mami and Papi, I really wonder: do you know where she’s been exploring? As responsible parents, how can you possibly condone this? And if you are unaware … well, I think it pretty much amounts to gross neglect. A dumb little monkey is not a responsible nanny!

Do you know that a thief is lurking in the jungle around your home, and he seems to lie in wait for Dora, stalking and attempting to swipe something from her every single day? I’m impressed that Dora knows exactly how to deal with him — but sometimes, she’s not fast enough. And then the thief always throws whatever he’s stolen as far as he can, forcing her to recover it. Once, he threw a necklace to the top of a mountain. A mountain! My GOD will someone tell me why a little girl is climbing a mountain all by herself? And not just any mountain, but the Tallest Mountain! Do you know how many people have died on Everest? I don’t either, but I’m sure it’s a lot.

Then, she almost got caught in Goo! Icky Sticky Sand! She’s almost been flattened by rolling watermelons! Don’t you care that your child is throwing herself into these dangerous situations, Mami and Papi?

And that’s just when she stays in the jungle. I’ve seen her ride rafts down snake and crocodile-infested rivers. I think it’s fantastic that she always remembers to wear her life jacket — but how will a life jacket save her from a crocodile? She’s confronted dragons and witches. She’s been chased by bears. She and her friends — not an adult among them — have commandeered a pirate ship and taken it through the seven seas (I know there were seven, because I helped count them — and I still shudder to think what might have happened if Isa hadn’t turned that wheel.) She’s taken a sentient plane to Antarctica with her cousin Diego (I seriously need to sit down with his parents, too.)

I do think you’ve done a great job raising her. She’s kind and smart. She can dance dance dance.

But maybe you need to take a page from the Backyardigans. They go on all kinds of cool adventures … but it’s all in their imaginations. They never leave their (child-safe, I’m sure) backyard.

Just a concerned parent with a little girl almost Dora’s age,
Meljean