Diary of an Author, Day 1
Woke up. Googled self. Found a new positive review. Sent quote on to publicist.
Compiled all quotes ever received and sent to publicist. Just in case she lost the last quote. Cc’d to editor, and editor’s assistant. Bcc’d to self, in case they pretend they never received them later. I will know.
Put the best 25 quotes in my e-mail signature, and the signature for all of my Yahoo loops.
Opened Google reader. 1000+ review blogs to read. No mention of me or my work, except one who said “If you like M.B.’s work, you will like this new author’s work, too.” WTF? No one is like me. Made note of blog name. Would delete it from my feedreader but I need to know if she spreads more falsehoods and compares me to another hack.
Reminder to self: Create new e-mail address. Review hack’s book. Make it three stars, so that it’s not too obvious. Say, “I bought this because some reviewer said it was like MY FAVORITE AUTHOR’S books, but it was only okay. Nothing like the awesomeness of M.B.!” Buy the hack’s book later so no need to feel guilty (but not during the first week, when it might help her hit a list before I do.) I support my fellow authors!!!
Checked rankings on Amazon. Called my mother and cried. She said something about my aunt’s tumor getting worse. Thanks for caring about MY problems, MOTHER!
Note to self: Heartless mother in WIP? Art imitates life.
Googled self. New review! …. “uneven pacing” — What? She gave me an A-. MINUS!!! for “uneven pacing”??? She obviously doesn’t even know what pacing is! She probably never even WENT TO SCHOOL! Why can people who obviously grow up on pig farms can REVIEW BOOKS? God!
New e-mail address and new Amazon account. Composed reply to review: I don’t know why you thought the pacing was uneven. I thought it was perfect! Wasn’t happy, thought it was too obvious. Spent a few hours editing it to: I don’t know the author, I’ve only read her books. I wonder: Do you even know how to read? The pacing was perfect! M.B. rocks! Went to Starbucks and used their internet access to mask my IP. Drank tea to soothe my nerves. Posted reply to review, then posted a review for a table so that they don’t think I made my account just to post the reply. I gave the table two stars to show I’m not easily pleased, so M.B. must be REALLY great!
Refreshed review page, waiting for response from reviewer. Nothing. Do they have internet access on pig farms? Hahaha! Beginning to think the MINUS!!! is the work of another author trying to sabotage me. Made list of who the author might be. Saw on J.M.’s blog that she uses the phrase “uneven pacing.” Read all of her blog entries, ever. Found more similar evidence, phrases used in the MINUS!!! review: “likable characters” and “hot!” Created new e-mail address. E-mailed: “I know what you did.” Jealous cow.
Starbucks closed before I had time to write! Damn it. Will have to get the words in tomorrow.
