Diary of an Author, Day 5 – 365

Woke up. Googled self.

Oh

my

God!

Shocked. Who has the power to do this to me? Am suddenly terrified. Check romance sites.

Can’t believe it. Everyone has turned against me … but it’s not as if anyone outside Romancelandia really cares!

Am flabbergasted. The power of those 10 real readers is astonishing! They must have minions everywhere. Well, I won’t be cowed! I won’t!

Went to Starbucks to begin “Reclaim M.B.’s Google” campaign. Was immediately uneasy. Some guy reading a book glanced up at me as I walked in the door. He began reading again, but I could tell by his expression that he knew who I was…and he was watching me. Saw someone with an iPad – obviously one of DA_Jane’s minions.

These readers are everywhere — and they are all against me.

Ordered two coffees, extra hot. Threw them into ReaderGuy and iPadMinion’s faces and RAN! Got into car and sped for the state line. Didn’t even take time to return home to say goodbye to daughter and husband. I know the readers are watching my home and I won’t endanger my family!

Crossed through Oregon, Idaho, into Montana. Almost rented a hotel room but the girl at the desk had a book in her hand.

THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!

Day 6

Still on the lam. Trying to think of a place where there aren’t any readers. Decide to paint myself orange and drive to Snooki’s mansion. It’s the only place I’ll be safe — and everyone in the publishing world hates her almost as much as they hate me!

Day 9

Racing away from Snooki’s mansion. Discovered that not everyone hates her — the CEO loves her for making the publishing house lots of $$$$. I’m only midlist!!!

Woe is me! Where do I go? The desert is the only safe place now. In a cave.

Day 125

Emerged from cave long enough to send editor my completed manuscript. It’s astonishing how productive I am when I’m not online.

Day 300

Went through bout of Cormac McCarthy-like prose, but have since regained sanity. Members throb again. While sending out second manuscript to editor, stopped at grocery and picked up a book.

Read it.

It was the first book read since my first novella was published 7 years ago. Had been so busy checking stats and Googling self, I never had time to read.

I decided that it was “okay.” If I had been a reviewer, I might have given it three stars.

I have become them.

Day 321

Sometimes I think that Lord Cockmonster really is an asshole.

Day 364

Returned home. Husband expressed shock — he hadn’t even realized I’d been gone! He’d assumed I was in deadline hell or checking my Amazon rankings like usual.

No, I said.

He said, What are those spots all over your face?

Freckles, I said. I have been chasing lizards through the desert and eating them for dinner. This is what happens when I go out into the sun.

Jesus. I wish you’d told me that before I married you.

I’m sorry, I said. I’m sorry for a lot of things.

Well, as long as you’re happy, I guess it’s okay.

Had wild sex, because that is what romance authors do. Left him sleeping and set up my computer at my desk again. Went to a few romance blogs. Didn’t see anyone mention my name. Some other author had done something now. Reader-author relationships were still being discussed. Self-pubs still being discussed. Pretty much the same authors’ books being discussed. Ebook pricing still being discussed. Rape in romance still being discussed. Went to bed.

Day 365

Woke up. Thought about Googling self.

Wrote a damn book, instead.

THE END

Meljean’s note: Of course it has a happy ending! I’m a romance writer, for fuck’s sake.

Meljean’s note #2: Ah, I noticed that some newbies have dropped by. Hi! I’ve also noticed that some are saying, “I’m going to buy her books now!” As someone who really, really hates false advertising, and who hates it when I pick up a book expecting one thing and get something completely different: my books aren’t humorous at all. They are pretty much the manifestation of all my pain and broken dreams and dorkiness (or at least, what I imagine my pain and broken dreams would be if I dwelled on that kind of stuff). Just so you know.

Meljean’s note #3: Don’t be surprised when this blog lies fallow for the next few weeks. I really am going into a cave and writing a damn book.

Thanks for stopping by!
M.B. 🙂