January 24 2007

He-Man redux

Okay, so I was checking out the search strings that lead people to my site, and I’m pleased that DEMON ANGEL and Meljean Brook (and Meljean Brooks) are among the top twenty.

The other seventeen? All about He-Man. I kid you not.

So, curious, I dropped by the old blog and checked out my He-Man post … and saw 982 comments, of which about 950 are spam. So, I plan to delete the post, but since I’d feel terrible if I deprived the world of a source of He-Man fun … and deny all of those Google searchers a place to visit, I’m reposting it here (where I have better spam control.)

Heh. I just realized that link isn’t going to work in about half a second. Anyway, from the archives of April 27, 2005 (my grandma’s birthday) I give you THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE … who just might have some unexpected sexual tendencies.

ETA: Comments turned off. He-Man is a spam magnet.

Everything My Heroines Need to Know, They Learned From … He-Man!

Iâ€™ve known this for a while, but Candyâ€™s Sugar Glider MOTU post made it timely.

>>Note: Yes, I am an unapologetic dork. <<

He-Man was one of my first heroes. I might have loved She-Ra more, but we didnâ€™t get FOX reception out in the boonies, so I had to make do with just He-Man. I was a Teela/He-Man â€˜shipper long before I knew what relationshipping was. For a time, I was a She-Ra and He-Man â€˜shipper, but Iâ€™ll get to the swift death of that in a moment.

Who is Teela? Teela is my model for what all heroines should NOT be when it comes to men, and what they should be when it comes to kicking ass. This is Teela:

I donâ€™t know what the fascination with horn-booby-bustiers was, but I thought it was totally cool. Plus, she was a redhead. She was trained as a warrior, and she kicked serious ass. She was also the secret love child of the Sorceress.

Really, it doesnâ€™t get much better than that. Exceptâ€¦When it came to men, Teela had a dildo brain. This is a great couple!

Prince Adam was totally cool. I mean, he was a PRINCE! and he liked to cook, and anyone with half a brain (instead of a dildo) could see that whenever there was trouble, Prince Adam disappeared and then there was lightning from nowhere and then out popped He-Man.

Huh. Doesnâ€™t take a freaking genius, Teela!

I think her problem was that she had this weird notion that Adam might be gay. I donâ€™t know why she should assume that just because a guy wears a pink vest and purple tights that heâ€™s gay, but she did. Might it be the blond thing, too? I dunno. Adam is light blond when heâ€™s Adam (as we all know is not acceptable in a romantic hero) but when heâ€™s He-Man heâ€™s dark blond (which is okay, I guess, because then it is called â€œtawnyâ€ or some shit like that.) Is Prince Adam gay? Weâ€™ll let the pictures speak for themselves:

But, look at the manliness of He-Man!

Admit it, Teela, you totally want to be ridden like that, don’t you?

Teela was just overwhelmed, I think, by the totally hot ways he used his sword.

A girl just has to be impressed by the way he uses that gigantic sword, the way he holds it, the way he shoots white beams ofâ€¦somethingâ€¦off of it, the way he holds Skeletor aloft with the mightiness of it.Hereâ€™s a clue, Teela: just because a man is really blond and wears purple, doesnâ€™t mean heâ€™s gay! Wait until he pulls out his sword before you write him off, you dildo brain!

Admittedly, Teela was also the victim of the Big Misunderstanding. Her name: Adora/She-Ra.

I can totally understand how Teela might not realize that She-Ra isnâ€™t going to be in competition for He-Man’s love. At first glance, they seem like the perfect couple:

It wasnâ€™t until I watched HE-MAN AND SHE-RA: THE SECRET OF THE SWORD that I realizedâ€¦Adam and Adora are twins! And now that I think about it, I can totally see the similarities:

Notice anything, Teela? Granted, She-Ra is changed by the â€˜honorâ€™ of Greyskull and He-Man is changed by the â€˜powerâ€™ of Greyskull, but really! Youâ€™re the Sorceressâ€™s daughter, you should have totally figured it out by now.

Or maybe you are worried about bestiality? I dunno why.

Okay, so that first picture is really weird, and that horn on Swift Windâ€™s head lends some credence to the idea that He-Man and She-Raâ€™s familiars are really just sexual playthings, but, câ€™mon, itâ€™s a kids’ show!

So, Teela, this is what you need to know:

1) Not every blond man in pink is gay.
2) The sword has the power when it is used right.
3) The chick you are jealous of is usually the sister, so stop playing the bitch and get over it, already! (Particularly when the sisterâ€™s best friend looks like this: