How I know for certain that I am not cool:

I cross the street in a timely manner.

Seriously — is there a genetic reason that males of every race and class, aged 14-30, will not Get Out Of The Way? And not only do they not Get Out Of The Way, they stroll. And refuse to turn their heads, as if acknowledging that there exists a person Waiting To Turn The Goddamn Corner will rob them of virility and/or decrease their factor of cool.

Why is this? Women walk quickly (with a few exceptions with the teenaged girls category, although they toss their hair, and so I can only surmise that it is not an issue of “I am too cool to look at you while I stroll” but “please please look at me while I take my time crossing the street”) and non-14-30 men are usually quick, too. And if not quick, then not slow.

Do these people not realize that there are people (Like Me) who come thisclose to hitting them? That thoughts such as these go through people Like Me’s minds:

You don’t have to run. Just please, before the light turns red and I’m caught in the middle of the intersection.
Oh my god, go. GO! Get Out Of The Way!
How much would it cost to get a dent out of the hood? What about blood?
Is jail really so bad? I already have a tattoo. I might be cool there.
Would it scare my daughter if Mommy screams and steps on the gas?
If I go really fast, will they think it was the guy behind me who did it?

If I was cool, I would just look straight ahead and pretend not to notice the bump as I drive on through. But, alas, my coolness factor is zero.

(Weird. I was thinking of this blog entry while I was driving home (for reasons that are probably self-evident) and came home to see this.

The number of people killed in accidents on San Francisco streets has spiked this year, surpassing the number of victims in all of 2006, police reported Wednesday.

So far, the death toll has reached 34, including 22 pedestrians, one bicyclist and 11 motorists or their passengers.

It wasn’t me, I swear. I don’t live in SF, I just write about vampires who tear up the SF streets in sports cars.)