Running with Scissors

Over at Between the Covers, Cleo rates heroes’ hair. Which reminded me of something I’d posted way back in May 2005 (with lots of pictures!) and so, in my continuing quest to transfer all of the old blog posts over to WordPress, I’ve added it here. (Plus, okay, I’m writing uber-lots, so this is my lazy way of blogging.) Man, I swore a lot more then.
Crap. Finals are approaching, and I intend to have this proposal out in a few short weeks so my blogging time has decreased. This one is image-heavy, to make it seem longer—after all, a picture is worth a thousand words (except the picture of me in ninth grade with the mile-high bangs is worth six: what the fuck was I thinking? Maybe thirteen: How much fucking hairspray was I using?)

I’ve been compiling a soundtrack to listen to in the car to feed the writing mood. I’ve listened to Nirvana’s “Lithium” and “The Man Who Sold the World” a billion times now; I thought I should branch out. Anyway—inspired by my search for Guns ‘N Roses version of “Sympathy for the Devil”:

Man Hair

I am not a fan of romance heroes with long hair. A man should NEVER have better hair than a woman. It’s not fair. I have a bad hair day every fucking day; I see a romance hero with long, flowing tresses and I want to kill him. Slowly.

Fuck you, Fabio!

But it’s not just my ugly-hair comparison that freaks me out. Sometimes, the hair turns the hero into girly men. Check out this cover (I was reminded of this by Giselle’s post). Now, I heart Teresa Medeiros, and I really love this book (CHARMING THE PRINCE), but the only way I can tell the guy from the gal is the clothes:

I’m all for androgynous heroes—geeky, skinny, Calvin Klein-modelish…yeah, I’m into that. Put glasses on them and a comic book in their hands and I’m orgasming. But the damn hero is prettier than the heroine here. WTF? How dare he? It’s the frickin’ Middle Ages – not only did the gals have to deal with rashes and rushes and lice and stinky clothes and non-bathing and no razors and god knows what they did at that-time-of-the-month, but the guys don’t even need to put on makeup to pass as a drag queen? Screw that!

That, and if I was fighting Bannor (the hero of CHARMING THE PRINCE), he might be all knight-beserker-rage and shit, but I’d just grab his hair and swing him around and fling him against a portcullis, and he’d be all, “I’m knocked out, dude!” and I’d be like, “Take that up the ass, pretty boy!” and then be queen of the castle or whatever.

But it’s not just romance heroes. Superman is my all-time favorite hero. And yet, after he came back from the dead, he was sporting a mullet. Compare SuperMullet to HotSupes:

A mullet. A MULLET!! For Zod’s sake, Supes, I know you freaking grew up in Kansas, but…a mullet? God, it makes me want to cry.

And then, of course, there is the master of all hairstyles, one of the few men who can convince me that a long-hero might actually be sexy: Daniel Day-Lewis.

Daniel Day-Lewis in THE LAST OF THE MOHICANS: Kinda hot. There are times in the movie when it looks a little skanky (when he ties it back) but when he lets it all down and flowy, I’m like: Give me some of that luvin, Leatherstockings!

In IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER: Kinda hot. This is actually my typical hair-limit for men. In THE AGE OF INNOCENCE: It’s all bear-greased and slicked back, but I like this Victorian length. And, crap, I forgot which movie he went all baldy in—but I love that. Mmmm….shaved = hot. Daniel Day-Lewis isn’t the best example of hot/shaved, though. (China Miéville might be.)

And my favorite hair length (from THE BOXER):

*happy sigh*

I’ll make another exception for Val Kilmer as Madmartigan in WILLOW. I could just eat Madmartigan up! His long hair is functional, too—cross-dressing galore. In this case, he outshines Val Kilmer in his short-haired Bruce Wayne role (which is totally a big deal: Bruce Wayne is bespectacled (not in this pic, but what the hey). Anything which outstrips Bruce Wayne in the hotness category for me is pretty special. I luv u 4eva, Madmartigan!)

Of course, then he goes and screws it all up with this previously discussed uber-gayness:

Madmartigan also demonstrates another reason that heroes seem to have long hair: barbarians/rebels. “I ain’t gonna get no stinkin’ haircut!” it screams. I’m a rebel! I’m a hero! I live in a pre-scissors society!

But then comes Barbarian Gone Wrong and I am reminded once again why I fucking hate long-haired heroes:

Is it wrong of me to leave you with that pic? Probably. Hehehe.